Just spill my blood on the fucking floor

I sent him a yahoo alien. ya know, it’s smiling, and then it rips off it’s face to show the alien?

yeah.

so… he sent back a shock face.

and then added me to his list.

but i should have already been there.

so… he DID delete me.

what the fuck.

it sort of pisses me off, cuz i didn’t DO ANYTHING to that ass.

but make myself vulnerable and then get hurt.

i dont’ WANT TO LIKE HIM. don’t you understand if this feeling could be avoided or stopped or not had altogether, i’d embrace it. I don’t wanna feel all enamored with someone who couldn’t give a shit about me. Seriously, it’s not my cup of tea in the LEAST. I want someone who adores me just as much as I do them and seeks me out just as much as i seek them, who wants me like i want them.

He doesn’t want anything to do with me. And perhaps I should be taking my dignity and moving along. i had that thought the other day. Just QUIT. let him go. let him have his life in mass. or wherever he wants to be. it doesn’t include you so quit it. But obviously… i don’t have any dignity…. or… something … to hold on to just leave it all alone.

 

But what isn’t understood by anyone… including myself sometimes… is that nobody has impacted me as much as he has in a long time. And it’s very difficult to just give up the feeling… of realizing just how awesome someone is to me. To wanting to trust them. Ya know? It’s just… beyond me how he can be this way and yet so obviously negative at the same time.

From the moment we started talking, something sparked in my cold little heart. He listened to me and asked me questions… and I didn’t want to lie about my "status"… and he didn’t run away. he just wanted to hang out more. and he seemed to want to do more than meet somewhere and rip my clothes off. and it was actually true… he was elusive and mysterious and had all of these things going on that I had never experienced and I wanted to. I want to know everything about his life and who he was. I haven’t felt… that interested in so long.

and to top it all off he’s insanely gorgeous? The minute I saw him in person my legs buckled and I lost all of my sense. I mean… that doesn’t happen often. So few people can actually disable me. And he did. I didn’t know how to talk or be "myself"… i didn’t know how to be "cool"… i felt stripped down and naked… but it was ok, because it didn’t seem like he’d hurt me. He seemed sweet and cautious and sensitive…. and he kissed me and that was all… and he asked to see me again. and he seemed to like me.

and then.

i don’t know.

what is it that happened? what is it?

i didn’t smother him with messages and phone calls. i was GOOD. and we met up again (after much patience and… aggression on my part), and once more it was cautious and sweet and even though i embarrassed myself insanely, he still seemed into me. at least a little.

and then again… something broke and he stayed away and i didn’t hear from him.

and from that moment i should have learned. but i couldn’t… let him just GO. i couldn’t just make it easy.

and then, the last time we see each other.

and suddenly… he’s aggressive and all over me. And it was confusing, but I thought it just meant he felt… like he liked me enough and he was ready for… whatever.

and we have sex and it’s so awesome that I don’t wanna have sex with anyone else… like "spoil" his presence inside of me. and he’s all… cuddly and holding my hand and squeezing my fingers and kissing me and falling asleep. and he doesn’t make me leave right away. and he doesn’t just push me away.

and i hadn’t felt so safe in years. not since W. and i couldn’t just let it go. i couldn’t just let him GO.

how could i just let him GO AWAY FROM ME.

but he left anyway. and maybe it makes me seem like i’m insane. i mean, you "hang out" with someone 3 times and you’re suddenly fallen to the point of obsession for them? I want it to mean I’m crazy. But maybe I’m just desperate and lonely and so fucking broken I just don’t KNOW HOW TO DO IT ANYMORE.

I don’t know how to let anything go.

because everything ALWAYS GOES. it just always fucking goes.

and sure, we’d probably NEVER have a relationship. that’s not "Fine"… but it was doable, if I could spend time with him. or at least talk to him. that is until he found a girlfriend, and then i’d feel the door shut in my face and have a reason to go.

but … there is none of that. and i’m not sure how to cope with the door seeming to be open and yet there’s a forcefield that won’t allow me through it. I keep thinking it’s because I slept with him. I’d have NEVER DONE IT IF IT MEANT HIM GOING AWAY AND NEVER SPEAKING TO ME AGAIN. For some reason, just… having him there to talk to me is worth more than just some sex we could have. I liked  HIM. i liked his taste in music, i liked his personality, the way he made me laugh, his sense of humor, his goals, his youth… his energy was just AMAZING, you could feel it coming off of him in waves…. i just want to somehow be associated with that because it makes some part of me feel alive and vibrant and special to be included in that… warmth.

and next week i’ll send some wretchedly insane email to him. and he won’t respond. and the last of my repaired heart will crumble back into dust.

and then what will be left of me?

I don’t know. i just don’t know. it hurts to be dead.