is a baby worth it?

Ok, so lets talk about the "baby talk"

It’s actually nothing "great"… it was sorta depressing.

I was basically told to quite wanting what I’m not gonna get. hahahha.

He’s worried about the fact that it requires a monetary and emotional cost that is bigger than what he feels like he can handle.

I understand that, it’s not like I am delusional.

But I also don’t think it’s impossible.

To be fair, I’m really not giving him the full picture of what is going on in my head.

I really SHOULD, but it’s way too much to just plop onto someones plate all at once.

I WANT TO tell him all sorts of things… but I just can’t right now. It’s not "right"…

We are on a good path. We have our little struggles, but really, this has to be the calmest relationship I have ever been in. It’s nice, I hate rocking the boat, but I have a clock, and it’s a tickin!

He told me that his clock says in maybe a decade and a half, he’ll be ready.

Right, starting your family at 45 years of age is no problem for a boy, but really, it’s out of the question for me.

And maybe that’s what’ll kill us.

He just WON’T want the future I want.

and in a relationship, that is nothing but doom.

Because eventually he will go off to find his 20-something blossom who can spit out his single solitary kid (with no other kids to bother with from previous indiscretions) and she’ll probably speak spanish and be wonderful and amazing to bring home to his mother and wouldn’t that just be so awesome? Because that’s what he wants in his perfect world.

No use deluding myself into thinking that I AM what he would choose if he could start with what is perfection.

But reality shows that I’m pretty damn awesome and he’s quite lucky to have landed me…

so at least there is that.

And quite honestly, I think what we have is way more valuable than an ideal and what we have is worth fighting for and working with and creating something more awesome than the "ideal" probably would.

I don’t know.

We got into a huge discussion about money and taxes and handling business like adults. We talked about credit histories and just all the mire and muck BOTH of us are stranded in.

I feel like, if we are there to support each other, things are going to be ok.

His flight response is high. My fight response is high.

So there ya go.

I’ll hold him back from running and we will fight together.

but it STILL does not change the fact that I want another child. It doesn’t change the fact that I want HIS child. I can’t even say it in terms that don’t make me seem crazy and selfish.

that I want that bond and connection.

That I want that reflection of how much I love him.

but would i really want to give up my relationship because he doesn’t want to have a baby with me?

*sigh*

well in the midst of writing this, something has happened at work that has sorta pissed me off and I’m not in the mood anymore.

whatever.

lunch in ten.

lean cuisine chicken friend rice bowl.

i’d rather have pizza.