I’m Jealous of Them

I just found out that another person is pregnant. I am so happy for them, jealous too cuz they are so happy. I wish I had been happy for more of my pregnancy… I think I had a total of about one month of happy scattered through the nine months of it all, and it only got better when I started to write here and had such encouraging feedback. Before that I was just a wreck hiding my sadness until I was alone. It was tragic.

I see them excited about their condition. I was devastated. I fell to the floor, I felt numb. I went to get my coat so I could go to a friends and feel encouraged (mind you, this is the friend from the previous entry who is no longer around), I fell into my jackets and pants and screamed as loud as i could, repeating “No, No, No, No…”

I was in a state of panic and dread. I wanted to die. I felt like I had no choice but to abort it. I felt like I was just ready to implode into myself and disapear. I was dead.

I’m so jealous of them, happy, looking forward to it. I hid it from my family for at least 2 weeks after I found out. My father and step mother didn’t know until i was 5 months along, just about. I’m so sad about that, it just breaks my heart right now.

I’m so happy for them. I want them to tell me everything so i can imagine what a happy pregnancy feels like. I would really like one day to get married and get pregnant the “right” way. I want someone to go to my doctors appointments with me. I want someone to go out at three in the morning to get me chop suey and watermelon. I want someone to feel the baby move with me. I want someone to go to lamaze classes and be in the delivery room. I want someone to go shopping for baby things with me. I want someone to just be proud that I am having their baby and to just love their child.

I didn’t have any of that. I’m scared that I never will. Right now, I don’t really want anything. I don’t want to date anybody or get involved in any serious thing. But I know that I want to in the future,I just so scared of being hurt again, I’m afraid I’ll just push everyone out and never give anyone a chance. I wish I could just go on and not need anyone. But I’m just not that type of person. I do need someone.

It takes a lot for me to say that. To say that I do need someone. I need. I need. I need someone.

Regardless, I’m so excited for my friends. These next months I’m going to pester them until they go insane, because I want so badly to share this with them, be happy with them. I want to be happy they are having a baby and run around in their shoes whenever they let me.

I’ll keep my eyes raised and hope for the day when I can have my own shoes. And I won’t have to ever take them off again.