I’m gonna have his baby

Oh my poor baboo. 

My entries make him look like a giant jerk. They also make me look crazy, like a girl who stays with a guy who is horrible just because she’s in looooove and can’t see that I deserve better. And rightfully my favorites who care for me are giving me the advice that even I would give someone who was in this same situation.

He drinks too much.

He has issues with being a giant tool when he’s drunk.

And respect is something that gets lost in translation when we’re on the phone and he’s in stupid ville in his brain.

I don’t want to make exscuses for him. There are NO excuses for him being such a turd on Friday. He should have told me about the party as soon as he found out. He should never call me names and he shouldn’t just want to break up so he can go grope chicks in a dark room. All of that is uncalled for and stupid on his part.

But what would make me BAD, in my own eyes, is if I didn’t tell him so. If Ididn’t express immediately what I thought about it. And if I felt like it was something he wasn’t working towards changing then I would be an idiot to stick around for more of the same.

But .. there is a dynamic that just ISN’T possible to translate to text or really give justice to in my diary. And there is more to what we have than the times that he messes up.

The fact that he got up and came to see me in the middle of my distress is just a small portion of how we connect and support each other. It’s hard for me to sit here and write this when I know it seems like I’m trying to sweep his issues under the rug.

But the truth of it? I took him with these issues. Everything was right there in front of me. And I was never deceived about the kind of person he is.

but I can’t expect him to just CHANGE SNAP CRACK for me. I can’t.

And what I see in him that I want… I truly WANT.

And I might be a bit of a girl on this, as my very truthful and reliable and wise fave put it. I am very much succombing to that female part of me that is willing to fight for what I want and stay constant to see if changes come.

And I believe they will.

There is no level of disrespect that is ok. And he knows it.

He knows he has a good woman and he can lose me if he pushes too far, and I get more confidence in that all that time. I know I could go out and find an almost perfect guy for me and maybe that would be ok.

but I don’t want anyone else.

I just want my Baboo.

and while I shouldn’t have to put up with his stupidity… I will not leave him because he is the way he is… because he is the very person I fell for. Stupidity and all.

So maybe that makes me a bit stupid at this point. And I’ll accept that. I’m stupid in a way. Stupid to fall for such a guy who has a long road ahead of him.

But my instincts see more. And we have a connection that was INSTANT. We couldn’t have stayed away from each other if we tried. It was just that… right. And while there is much work to be done on both sides, I think it’ll be worth it.

but my instinct says it’ll pay off.

it’s not like what I had with Assface and Winston. It’s different.

So we’ll see right?

I dunno.

I felt the need to really write this out because when my honor and my status in our relationship was questioned by one of his noters, I was quick to tell him to defend me because they obviously didn’t know crippity crap about me or the situation.

And I feel just as quick to come to the defense of my Baboo and our relationship.

We’re not perfect. Nobody is. We all have issues and problems.

But there is a core that nobody else can see or touch, and I almost absolutely KNOW that it’s gonna pay off.

And I’m gonna have his baby.

hahaha.

He hates when I say that.