i’m getting on my own nerves…

 

 

 

 

So for some reason I haven’t deleted my profiles on these stupid sites I don’t go to anymore.

Tonight I shall delete them.

There is no guarantee, but it’s not like I need to hold on to stupid shit like that right now.

If I’m truly to show trust, then I must let go of my safety nets. My rebound walls. My fall back security hammocks.

Plus, those sites are annoying and I’m tired of getting the emails "you have a new message!" (he saw one of those emails and i was embarrassed. i should have deleted those profiles and shit last week… it’s what i would expect of someone i’m with, so i should do the same!)

i don’t care what your new message is. be gone with ye! i don’t curr!

So i’m increasingly more excited about Saturday, but as I’m trying to budget it out, we might end up on a train or a bus or some shit. Which isn’t bad. I suppose. It’s just long winded and blahby. I would like to drive, but I think if I want to do what i’m thinking, limiting my gas output will make it cheaper.

So I sent him a hint.

There are 3 parts

1. Creatures

2. Satisfaction and Entertainment

and

3. Relaxation and Service

I hope that he likes it.

I was thinking about it earlier. these things I wanted to do stemmed from my desire to have a "last hurrah".

And I was wondering why.

and I guess it’s just one of those things. I have this insane drive to "do" for the person I care about. I haven’t really had the opportunity to do so. Nobody has ever become worth my effort. Nobody has ever crossed the line and allowed me to. and I just feel like if there is one person in my little world worth my efforts and attention in that sphere, it’s him. Even if I only got to do it once, i was willing to do it. and hopefully now I will get to do it lots. He’s so worth every ounce of effort.

He’s truly got my little heart captured.

it’s lame. It happened so suddenly and out of the blue.

but there it is. nothing much i can do about it.

i know, i’ve been extremely mush and gushy and ugh lately.

i’m almost getting on my own damn nerves.

but it’s hard to keep it inside. if you could see how I feel you’d probably get sensory overload. I feel like i’m an explosive and it’s just combusting in slow motion inside.

it’s a very deceptive feeling.

it could leave me in pieces, you see.

one of the reasons i’m afraid.

but oh, when he’s there and he looks at me with those pretty eyes, i don’t feel scared at all.

silly huh.

i’m a silly silly female who needs to be bopped on the head a few times.

I’m trying to let my defenses down a little, decrease the security patrols.

this boy could devastate me.

hell he has been on the brink a couple times now.

and while it’s still a possiblity, i don’t want to miss out on anything by being so fearful.

and i don’t want to inadvertantly push him away with my insanity.

it is what it is at this point.

and this fear, while i think it’s crippilng me to a degree… it must go.

i don’t want to be afraid of him.

and when i’m with him, i’m not afraid.

he still motivates something inside of me to shoot higher, dream bigger, go faster… that’s just waht he does to me.

and i just want to become the best me I can be so that I can do justice standing next to him, even if it’s only for a second.

i don’t think it’s better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.

but i suppose i’m still willing to put myself out there and do it.

i feel so damn MUSHY and DUMB right now.

it’s the afterglow of him.

sigh sigh sigh.

i’m tired of being so mushy.

but what can i do?

oh shit, i forgot my 10 random sexual things about me.

oh maybe later.

or tomorrow.

or something.

ha ha.

i have an hour and 10 left.

I’ve done about 3 hours of work.

that’s lame sauce.

seriously monique? seriously?!

focus on. I vow to focus for the rest of today.

and at least 5 hours tomorrow.

5 out of 8 isn’t bad! *tee hee*

Log in to write a note