i’m bad

 

 

 

 

I’m a bad person.

Is it bad that I am totally avoiding my bills instead of doing what a very wise and experienced noter told me to do (which was write them a letter and let them know what’s up and try to be responsible about it)

Well I refuse. They can just have their little fits. I hate the way they talk "I NEED a call back"

No you don’t. You NEED your fucking money.

And you’ll get it when I have it.

We wouldn’t be having this problem if you didn’t charge me for car insurance I didn’t need. And I REFUSE to be bullied around because nobody wants to listen to me. Fuck that. And fuck you.

Is it bad that I really don’t want to go see my dying, senile, bedridden grandmother? I really don’t want the delusional, tube fed, sickly image of her in my head. I have heard all about it, and quite frankly, I am scared to death of actually seeing that. I’d prefer to keep her happy smiling mostly healthy last image in my brain.

But everyone says I need to go. That they would love to see me. But SHE probably won’t even know who I am. I don’t know if I can handle it. All of my other grandparents died without me seeing them that close to the end. The only relative I’ve seen that close was my aunt, and that was quite enough. I can’t stand that when I think of her I can barely see her smile or hear her laugh. I can only see her hooked up to so many machines it was incredible she was even considerered alive.

RESPIRATORS ARE HORRIBLE MACHINES. i swear, it’s like being in a room with a monster who is EATING your loved one. (fucking alcoholism fucked up her liver so bad she was found in a pool of blood in her room after 2 days of nobody hearing her move. awesome right? what a way to go)

I just don’t want to see my grandmother like that. and I don’t want my kids to either.

but everyone thinks I should go.

I don’t want to.

Is it bad that I can barely bring myself to do any work, but I keep getting told what a great employee I am and I accept it like I feel that I’m really working hard. I know I’m not. The standards for the city (and for most places, i’ve come to realize) are just so mother fucking LOW. Like, it’s not even funny. I pull a few work assignments out of my ass and make sure MOST things are done on time and I’m a fucking angel sent from heavens ass to make the bureau run better.

I don’t get it.

It was the same in college. I would pull half ass papers out of my nose the DAY BEFORE they were due (all of my final reports were done this way my entire school career) and i’d get super giant fantastical A’s with "Well done!" written all over the place. I got a few B’s… but really.

Who pulls 15 pages of crap out of their ass within 4 hours and passes with flying colors.

I DO! I DO!

jesus.

i feel like a mess.

a wreck.

a ton of bricks falling on top of MYSELF.

i feel like a bad mother.

I feel like a bad friend.

I feel just… rotten right now.

blah.

death death.

stab stab

face face.

sometimes i just want a pause.

a few days to just not have to think about ANYONE ELSE.

but then i’d probably get bored and want to scream.

 

blah.

i forgot there was this cute thing i wanted to steal. i’m gonna go steal it.

 

*blink*

is it bad that i’m a thief?