I Know Him Too Well

Wow… I mean… wow.

I know him far too well. I can see exactly where this is going to go. I can almost guarantee that we won’t be speaking in a few weeks… unless he changes by then. Regardless, here’s what has transpired since I wrote yesterday.

Firstly, I replied to him… I basically said that I was confused as to why he wrote me and wondered whether it was an accident. I didn’t want to get into a bunch of drama just yet… I really don’t need that right now and I just don’t feel like rushing him and knocking him over with a bunch of anger. It’s not worth it, and I’m just not that type of person. I’m always giving people the benefit of the doubt. It gets me in too much trouble, as I’m pretty sure this will… but the decision has already been made.

I decided I would go and look at his webpage. Just to see what he was up to. The webpage is gone… back into the internets bag of tricks, waiting for someone else to buy it. That means he lost his precious page, the page he slaved over, learned html in a few days to create… his little baby that made him so proud. It was very pitiful at times, but I tried my hardest to support him… when I was six months pregnant and his computer was STILL more important than I was.

When I saw that, the lightbulb went on in my head. Of course… he’s suffering. Something is happening in his life, and all of his so-called friends have dumped him. I never dumped him, I was always there. He knows that. He knew I was not going to be mean to him or rude. He knew that I was his safe place once, and he wants me to be that again. I’m not going to do it. I’m not going to go right back to where we started and get hurt again. It’s not happening. I just hope I can keep this in mind in the days ahead. I need to stay focused. I know that whatever is going with him, it’s going to break my heart. But my son deserves better than that, He deserves a mother who is stronger. I won’t let Jonathon get hurt. I won’t let anything happen to him. I think that is what is going to keep me strong.

Anyhow, so I was pretty sure that there has been drama in his life. Drama that he can’t handle without me. Normally, I’d feel pretty good about that… but right now, it just angers me. I knew, from the beginning, that regardless of what happened to us, that together we could get through it. But he didn’t have faith in that. He ran from his family (my son and I) because he was scared and didn’t think we had the strength. And now he’s back… proven wrong, realizing that YES, I am strong, YES, I can help him, YES, I am the rock he so desperately needed.

And now I’m not available for that. I am not sure what is going to happen.

So, I got an email this morning… it said:

“Well,I did mean to I guess, wether I was drunk or not. It’s just that I have

been going through some rough times,and you have always been my best

friend… I don’t know maybe I’m not thinking straight but who knows. You

know my icq number….”

So now I hear the twilight zone music starting… what the hell is this? I knew it. I knew it. I knew it. I know him too well. I think his next step will be to talk to me and tell me all the things that went wrong. I’m not sure how I’ll react. I just feel numb to all of this. But I know it’s not going to stay this way. I know a flood of feelings is going to overflow me. I’m scared of that. I just want to hold close to my son.

And with him as my ultimate goal, with my little Jonathon as my reason for living, I’ll see where this road leads me.