I get to watch my heart get snatched away…

I hate when a realization hits me in the middle of my forehead.

I’m warning ya’ll now that I’m about to dive into a nonsensical ridiculous whiney rant fest about something of which i have no control. i just have to…. get it out and try to see if it helps me feel better.

Kim, if you’re reading this, you may just want to skip it cuz…. i’m gonna be upset and sad and stupid for a second and i don’t want you to … know that i’m being so stupid. I’m happy for you and i love you and i want the best for you always. so just ignore the crying idiot behind the curtain for now.

ha.

I’m being confusing.

well it goes like this….

There is a huge countdown clock that started in my head.

and it says "Approximately one year until a big gigantic piece of your heart is stolen away out of your reach"

I hate thinking about it because it makes me cry.

My best friend in all of the world, the person who has a big chunk of my … heart…. is …. well she’s… living her life.

and that means things change and move along down paths and none of it neccessarily means I"ll get to continue to benefit and be… as lucky as i am.

 

her husband has decided to join the  military.

and that basically means she won’t be living within driving distance of me for the rest of her life.

I won’t get to grow old with her and get a rocking chair to match hers and sit out on the porch and throw stuff at kids on our lawn.

What hurts the most is that she won’t be there. I don’t see her every day or every week or every month…

but if I need her, she’s there. if she needs me, i’m here.

She is the only one I have.

and maybe it’s my fault for not liking people or trusting people or wanting to be around most people… but … if/when she goes… that’s it for me. I"m completely totally fucking alone. and i’ll miss her so much i’ll just die.

and sure, i will not totally lose her, but i’ll lose her all the same.

and i want her to be happy and to do what is best for her family and her life. I know that if there was a soul on this planet that wanted to put up with me and he said "ok, we gotta move to the far edge of the planet" I’d go.

I’m not mad at her or upset with her or… anything.

the part of me that is rational is very hopeful and happy that this will be the thing to stop some of the chaos in her life and to allow her all of the good things she deserves. I want my best friend happy damn it.

but i can’t deny this selfish part of me that knows I’ll be even more lonely and it’s just a matter of time.

it doesn’t help that the other person that has the other half of my heart lives on the other side of the damn country… in another country to boot.

And that could happen to kim too. Military families get stationed… anywhere at all.

and i’m being preemptive in feeling a huge gaping chasm in my chest right now.

Sure, it might not happen in a year. but that doesn’t mean it never will.

and the process of dealing with an end point of this… closeness to my sister (because that is what she is to me) makes everything inside of me just wail.

and i’m sitting here sobbing at work and i’ve got to stop it.

I can’t even really thikn about it because it just makes me so upset.

i love her so much and i want to put her in my closet and never let her leave me.

i’m ending this because it doesn’t make any stupid sense and i just hurt so bad because it’s like i get to countdown to the end of it.

the end of it.

everything hurts.

i’m so sorry.

if you have people you care about around you, don’t take it for granted.

because the one person who isn’t like my mother or my father or whatever, the one person on this entire stupid planet that GETS ME and attaches to my heart that lived close enough for me to touch and know and who i got too… is going to be going away from me.

and i can’t write anymore about this while i’m at work cuz it makes me just sob like a damn baby.

gonna not think about it.

i’ll do some work and edit my story and stop trying to work it out in my head.

ouch.

nope, don’t feel better anyway.