I feel Anti-Social

I have been silent for the last few days and I haven’t left any notes though I’ve read a majority of my favs. I just feel anti social and I don’t want to communicate. I know that sounds odd, but that’s just the main reason underlying it all. I’m pretty crumbly these days. That’s how I feel. Like my edges are flaking away and I’m just losing it. I’m trying really hard to gain my composure back, to reinforce my walls and get my defenses back up.

It’s not anything specific causing this either. It’s just the natural progression of things, once you ignore and deny and distract yourself long enough, it’s gonna build up and collapse in. and that’s what I’m dealing with. I’ve turned myself away from everything that was causing me stress and now it’s caught up with me.

I broke down crying because I was in the mall and everything reminded me of W. then I ate bad food to make myself feel better(onion rings and a cheese burger. mmmm). I laid around like an absolute lump yesterday and it didn’t make me feel better. I just wallowed. My weekend wasn’t bad. 4 days off, I feel refreshed and energy-wise I’m fantastic. But my mental well being is just shot to hell. Nothing was succeeding in making me lose sight of all this un-dealt with pain and confusion. I need to get more yarn so I can crochet. That seems to be the only solution these days. I get lost in that pattern, it’s like it hypnotizes me. I did two scarves for my boys and they immediately turned them into weapons and torture devices. And for some reason that pissed me off.

I tried hard to be cuddly happy mommy for them. I did. And I succeeded for the most part. I just know that Jacob senses it and wants to climb under my skin because he thinks it will make me feel better. When it really justmakes me crazy. I haven’t spoken to his crap for brains sperm donor for almost 2 months now. I didn’t call him last month about the car payment simply because he put it in at the last second and i was checking the account so i noticed. stupid jerk.

God, I’m praying for income taxes to give me the rest of my funds to file this divorce. I’ve noticed a We the People office right up the street from my house. They prepare legal documents and will do an uncontested divorce for like 400 bucks. I wanted to get a lawyer and cover all my damn bases, but if I know for sure that I can’t get in touch with him, then maybe it’ll work. I have no idea. We’ll see won’t we.

And maybe he’ll go back to Belize like he promised and I can rid myself of him. He’s like a tumor. A disgusting malignant life sucking tumor. I want to cut him out and flush him down the toilet. I’ll figure out what to tell my son later. I never wanted to be this type of woman, but I suppose circumstances and actions can change anything, can’t they.

Though for some reason, I still wish W would acknowledge his son. *sigh* Or me.

Or anything that matters right now.

Anyway, I don’t know what I’m talking about. I’m babbling and ranting and oozing stupidity. I just don’t feel normal and it sucks. I feel ok, in my body, just a few pains (the 8 day  headache went away yesterday…) and I’m hungry… but my brain is like … stuck on stupid.

heh.

oh well. I’m Monique. I always figure out how to fix this stuff.

And perhaps I’ll get 25,000 words knocked out on my nanowrimo this week since I’ve been such a slacker. I’m stuck at 5,500. idiot. That’s me!

I shall go wander the halls.

Feeling like a ghost.

With rattling chains.