I don’t want to come back down from this cloud

But I must.

So… the fiasco with my mom and the kids.

ok, so it only took me an hour and forty five minutes to get down there.

but when i was coming back (late!) i get almost halfway home and come up on major traffic. i find out the ENTIRE FREEWAY IS CLOSED….

so i have NO IDEA where i am, or how to get past the closure.

so after spending an HOUR AND A HALF in gridlock traffic, i use another 40 minutes getting lost in LA until I find the freeway.

it took me 4 hours to get home.

My mom is calling me every 5 minutes saying “come get your chiiiilllldreeeeeennnnn”

THEY WERE DRIVING HER INSANE.

at least jacob was.

crying and acting up as always.

i felt awful.

and i couldn’t really tell her why. i’d just say “i’m on my way, i’m going as fast as i can”

bah.

so that really upset me. I don’t like doing that sort of thing.

i won’t be leaving my kids with anyone for at least a couple weeks. probably a month. it’s not fair to them, me, or the person i leave them with. so it’s me and my boys. i can live with that.

and do you want to know why?

because, i am very aware that there will be NO RELATIONSHIP with mr. lover. It is very difficult for me to keep my head wrapped around this… as a matter of fact, my head is so NOT wrapped around it at present and i’m getting depressed.

I just keep hearing his voice and seeing his face.

*sigh*

I cannot fall for him. I know this. but i’ve already fallen. it was like getting a taste of having a boyfriend again. but it’s not real. a mirage boyfriend. (god when he held my hand. why did he have to do that. why is all of that meaningless. why is it all about the immediate “feel” of it. why do i do this to myself. why am i even writing this shit)

i know that all he wants is sex. and i came at him just wanting sex. it should all be good. i can’t freak out on him when he’s under the impression i can handle this.

i should probably never see him again.

i probably won’t.

i wish he had called me today, but he won’t. if he had called me, i’d know he really liked me.

but he just… enjoys me.

blah.

like i’m a freakin dessert.

Monique souffle with chocolate icing and whipped topping.

or maybe Monique flavored ice cream with sprinkles and bits of cookies.

Or Monique pie a la mode.

whatever.

i am very aware of how this has to be.

i know i simply should not see him again.

if seeing him once has me all in shambles, seeing him twice will kill me.

i hate this whole thing.

i put myself here.

i don’t even know what i’ll say when i call him.

i’m playing the game right. i didn’t call him today like i wanted to.

and i might not even call him tomorrow.

but damn, i hate this game, and i hate having to play.

and i hate having to squish down all these feelings that are bubbling up.

but it’s for the best.

we live too far apart.

and i’m the single mom with two kids.

and he’s this hot, intelligent extremely awesome man with so much potential and a bright future.

i’m a storm cloud.

only cornfields like storm clouds.

and this guy is so far beyond a corn field.

*sigh*

my butt hurts.

and jacob is sleeping on my lap.

i should go to bed.

i have lots of torture coming at me tomorrow.

but i’m sad because i feel like i got a taste of something so amazing.

and it’s like a drop of dew on the tongue of a man stranded in the desert.

it’s so good and so right.

but it’s just not there.

it’s not going to happen.

get over it monique.

please stop.

please.

please.

please please please please.

*sigh*

don’t you dare cry.