How I Killed the Love of my Life

So I don’t even want to get into the guy that raped me story. He was an ass, is an ass, and will always be an ass. I’ve talked about him enough in my diary, he doesn’t need anymore of my time at the moment.

All I really want to say about that is that he made me feel dirty and used and broken. He made me hate myself so much. I lost our child and fell into this… horrible depression. I tried to contact Brandon again… but he wasn’t having anything to do with me. It hurt a lot. Around Christmas time I was at my cousins house and he called her trying to talk to me. I didn’t speak with him… he had brushed me off so I brushed him off. Well, in January of 1999, he wrote me a letter. I knew he would. So we wrote back and forth and in February I went and visited him.

It was the most awkward and horrible thing I had experienced. First I got lost and he had to come find me… then we kinda sat in his room and stared at each other. I didn’t know what to say. it had been almost a year since we had spoken and it was just wierd. He had done a lot of things, started drinking, gotten his tongue pierced, stuff like that. It was like I didn’t know him anymore. I didn’t know what to say, my tongue was just cut out. And when we went to eat he sent me into the restaurant to get the food and didn’t come in… and it just really threw me off. After eating I kinda calmed down and we talked a little bit. Not about anything special, mind you, but it was a start. We decided to watch a movie and I ended up on his bed. Big mistake.

I had always had this sadness inside of me after my virginity was stolen. I had wanted to give that to Brandon and I never got the chance. So, being the idiot I was, I decided that better late than never was a good idea and we ended up sleeping together. I felt like he erased all the horrible dirtiness that Josh had left on me. I felt all cleaned up and pretty and alive. I felt like our relationship could be fixed and that he loved me just as much as I loved him.

I left the next morning and that was the last time I ever saw him. I think he thought I was a slut or something, because he got really nasty towards me after that. He wouldn’t return my calls and when we chatted online he kinda alluded to the fact that he thought i was easy and probably had sex with lots of guys. I remember I paged him and said to please call me back. Please. I checked my voicemail every five minutes… and nothing. We never really said goodbye, we just ended.

I still blame myself for that. If I had just kept my pants on, he might not have lost respect for me. I killed the love of my life. It was so real then, that whole experience was just SO REAL. When I was with him…. ugh, I can’t explain it. And it just died and I still have all of those loose ends fluttering around. I wonder what he’s doing all the time. How he is. If he’s alright. Did he get his degree like he wanted? Does he have a new girlfriend? Probably…

Does he ever think of me? Does he? Did i leave anything worth remembering in his life?

I keep thinking about emailing him, if he happens to still have the same address. I should probably leave him alone…. but it keeps creeping into my mind and making me go a little stir crazy. i always thought that if we didn’t work out we’d always be friends.

I still wanna be friends.