Getting it off my chest already…

I’m oddly awake. It’s not 6 am yet.

bah.

I have had such restless sleep these last few days. it makes me insane. I wake up every 40 minutes or so in a panic. It sucks.

I’ve been "calm"… but my brain most certainly has not. I’m in overdrive like a mofo thinking about every thing.

yar.

I should work on my scarf for a little bit while nobody is here. I finished 2 last night. I need to do like 2 more and I’ll be in the clear. I can always get a few more knocked out on Christmas Eve if I need to. Now it’s all about getting my dvd done. I can do it. I will begin construction of my picture slides tonight. That is most important and time consuming. It’s all about getting those damn things in and putting transitions and blah blah blah. I have over 100 pictures too. EEK! I also need to find some sort of music to put behind them. I have no Christmas music. Ugh. Might need to go to a store and pick something up. Hmmm. whatever.

boring.

So Monday was my moms birthday. I kept thinking it was Tuesday for some stupid reason. so I was embarrassed when I got home and it wasn’t the right day. Well, yesterday I got her favorite dinner from Chilis (the baby back ribs) and brought it home as a surprise.

First, I got home and instantly heard that Jacob had bit Jonathon at the babysitters. They aren’t supposed to be going to her house since my mom is home. I was a little miffed. I pay the babysitter on a daily rate, so the less days she has them, the less I pay. which will be good right now. I want to stow away some cash to pay off my christmas credit and the like. My mom agreed… so it sort of pissed me off. I didn’t understand.

I look around. the house is dark, no sign of my mother. She is usually moving around or has her door to her bedroom open.

it’s closed.

they say she’s home. I go look. She knocked out in bed. I wake her up to tell her I got her a birthday dinner. I can instantly tell she stoned out on pain pills. I also asked her why she let the kids go to the sitter. she says "only for one day" and i realize it’s just so she could lay around in a stupor and not have to worry about little kids.

 

*sigh* so i go put the dinner in the kitchen. there is a ham boiled on the stove. I don’t like boiled ham. ugh. but there it is. dinner.

I ask her what her plans for it were.

she says "oh, just tear of a chunk and eat it."

*blink*

yep.

she’s high as a damn kite.

she rolls over.

I went to make mac and cheese so my kids can have a full meal. (added apple sauce and carrots to it. they didn’t eat the carrots, but i tried!)

when that is done she gets up around 2 hours after i got home to eat her dinner.

whatever.

maybe she likes it cold.

I, meanwhile, have not eaten. I’m pissed off about it and moody and not feeling up to eating.

later when i do get something (which consequently made my poor stomach revolt) she comes in STILL loopy and starts hugging me and telling me how wonderful her food was. I wanted to be happy she liked it, but it bugged me that she was so doped up.

my mother is an addict. "Recovered" … but still an addict.

she used to smoke crack.

i’m not kidding.

she did crack, marijuana, heroine for a time. She was an alcoholic since before i was born. (might explain a lot of my defects though. ha ha)

she only really stopped doing it because after my youngest sister was born (10 years ago) they took her kids from her (the three living with us. they were a newborn, a 1 year old and a 2.5 year old at the time). My little sister was extremely small. I can remember being able to hold her in one hand. SO TINY. it was weird because the father of her last three kids was a total fucking idiot.

 

he was the one who led my mom back to drinking and smoking and all the rest after her first run thru rehab and the like (this was after 2 years where I didn’t see her, hear from her, or know she was alive. I was 11 thru 13 and thought my mother was dead. She came back only after she went through the rehab that first time. it was a strange time and I can remember writing a story about a young girl with an alcoholic mother and not really realizing that was my way to deal with my own situation… so she came back and I began to get visits again. Especially since she had moved otu to the town where I lived. but I didn’t like that stupid boyfriend of hers… She also had the oldest of the three kids then… it’s a long story. but she was doing good until after the second one was born. then back to the drinking and smoking and stuff. i was visiting her on weekends and yeah… one day i’ll tell that stupid story. it got so scary and horrible there. its’ a wonder i didn’t fall into drugs and the like. but as i’ve always said, sex is my vice. not drugs. ok… anyway, where was I!) well, the idiot got to keep the kids while she got sent away.

it was a weird time. I was around .. what… 16 at the time i guess. almost 17.

So that kicked her ass into gear.

so she’s been clean for that long.

but now i worry. She has had a lot of stress. and i know she already has a bit of an addiction to the pain meds. but… it just bothers me more now. cuz it’s a doorway to her doing other things again.

ugh.

it makes me …

just worried.

 

so obviously i have issues this morning.

not only that, but constant horrible nagging thoughts about W. the urge to email him is fierce.

I feel bitchy and hateful towards people that I love without end and that bothers me too. I don’t know why I’m so moody and mean right now.

I said last night that I would trade my kids to get my life back.

what the fuck.

NO I WOULDN’T.

god.

i’ve lost it.

and finally, to make this entry as scatterbrained and ridiculous as possible… I think i will probably write and post my story here. it’s somewhere to keep it logged. and if people do like it, it will motivate me to continue. Even if it is only 3 or 4 of ya’ll. hee hee.

ok, so…. that’s that for now. A teensy request for copies was left on my desk, so that’s my work for now.

yay.

guess i’ll do that.