Feeling so lost

I’m not sure what is wrong with me right now. I want to totally descend into a self imposed isolation. I don’t feel like "trying" to be happy or smile or be enthusiastic.

As horrible as that sounds, it’ sjust truth. I feel second or third or last place nothing to almost everyone. Even my kids. they like my mom and my sisters more than me. I have nobody who finds me their favorite and I can’t seem to convice myself otherwise. I feel like an afterthoughts forgotten thought and I don’t understand it.

I’m supposed to go visit my Kim this weekend… well next weekend, whatever.

and I have found myself thinking of reasons to not go. Cuz I don’t feel like having to talk or smile or be normal. I just want to curl into a ball under my comforter and play stupid video games where I don’t have think. Or watch zombie movies… or any movie with a lot of death and destruction. I dunno.

I realize that when/if I go out there, I"ll be fine and I’ll realize just how much I needed that time. But right now I dont’ even want to think about having to do all that driving and then dealing with my feelings as I drive. I tend to think in mega overdrive when I have to sit and drive long distances.

I mentioned doing some stupid stuff in my last entry. it wasn’t htat i was gonna go find some dick to fuck. Nope, there really isn’t much of that to interest me at the moment. it was stupid emails. to stupid people. who i should get over and be done with. but i feel like if i don’t just cut off this last growth of them in my  mind by severing it of my own will and letting them know i’ve done such a thing, i’ll never get past it.

i’m so horrifically stupid.

i need a pill. some drugs. a prescription PLEASE.

oh well, enough of this.