Exhausting

I’ve been running around for the last 45 minutes with two buttons undone flashing cleavage all around and I didn’t even know it. I wonder what people must think of me *sigh*

Maybe it didn’t show, but I doubt it.

Blah Tuesday! *shakes fist*

Last night was draining, but very necessary.

argh, where do I begin.

Well, firstly, we went out to dinner at Outback. it was deeeelicious. We even got a chocolate thunder from down under (mmmm brownies and ice cream!) which seemed smaller somehow, but still uber goodness.

Then we went home and it was time to get ready for bed.

Oh yes, and I was very happy to have my boys back home. It feels normal again!!!

Anyway, during dinner (I got ribs, I LOVE Outback bar b que sauce. It’s soooo yum!) I was thinking about the money saving thing. It’s just a fact that we won’t be doing any real "trying" for at least a year and then it may take awhile to actually happen, so it could be almost 2 years before we have a baby. I figured if we started saving a little bit now, then we’d have a nest egg of sorts.

Well, as I mentioned, the moment I brought it up (after we had gotten home and were in bed) he shut me down. He basically brought up the divorce again and was making it seem like I’m focusing more on us having a baby than me getting the divorce. It made me feel like he thinks I won’t even do it. I’ll just keep pushing it aside and not really pursuing it.

that hurt me a lot.

That’s not the case.

I’ve hit a wall, and really, without legal help, I’m stuck. I have NO IDEA what to do.

I have already filed for the divorce, so websites like legal zoom and all that won’t really help me. I can’t get the marriage annulled because it’s been too long. I’m just fucked.

I’m certain he won’t contest anything if by some crazy chance he’s found. How could he after all these years? I am not going after him for child support because there is no documentation that Jacob is his and I plan on keeping it that way. He won’t try to get custody because he doesn’t have a toe to stand on and would get sent to jail immediately because he’s done so many illegal things it’s ridiculous and he’d get sent back to Belize faster than he could sneeze.

Also, I don’t want him to have any rights to Jacob. With child support comes visitations… and I refuse to have this man take my son and disappear, which is exactly what will happen. I doubt he has a legal job to begin with, so I’d never see a dime. When we were freshly seperated, hell when we were together he couldn’t even give me FIVE DOLLARS to help with our son. I told him, "give me five dollars a month and show me that you want to be responsible for the care of your child and not just reap the benefits to your ego because he loves you" and he couldn’t even DO THAT.

He took a car that I co signed on, stopped paying for it, and ruined my credit without a second thought.

He used me up.

He abused me mentally, physically and emotionally.

He threatened my life so many times I lost count. How he’d just knock me out and take my son. How he could kill me and I’d never know what hit me.

He’s a waste of life and I just want him to GO AWAY and GET OUT OF MINE.

Anyway, there is nothing I want more than to get this divorce finished and move on with my life and never have to think of it again. And to be basically accused of NOT wanting it makes me feel awful.

Baboo went on to say that he thinks I should save for both. My logic makes that seem dumb. I want to get this divorce done ASAP. That means when I get my next tax return, I go to a lawyer that I’ve already chosen, I give them a retainer of 2 grand or whatever, and they get it finished. The end.

Saving up 25 bucks a month will give me $150… that’s NOTHING. And if that’s what I’m going to do, then I’ll have to save for another 3 or 4 years just to have enough to even think about it. Baboo says that shows effort and that’s all he cares about, but for me it’s STUPID EFFORT.

Whereas if we are combining our funds to save for something we are going to do together, that makes sense to me. And I just wanted it to be something we did together, not something that negated everything else going on in my life.

It doesn’t mean I’m not thinking about the divorce. I think about it every day. I get frustrated and upset with it constantly. It’s completely unfair and it’s all my fault, if that makes any damn sense.

So yeah, I started crying and he started wiping my tears away and holding me and we just talked it out. It’s like our minds clash on things and it’s a matter of reaching a concensus that neither of us is wrong and we both have to work at what the other is expecting.

So I guess that’s what we’ve done.

I’ll save for both.

I still don’t foresee $150 really doing much, but it’ll be there.

He said he didn’t mean to give me mixed signals and that he agreed. He just wants to see effort towards the divorce more prominantly than effort towards a child. Ok, I get that. First things first.

He has his own legal issues and hopefully we can resolve both of them before we have a child together.

One thing I know is that we are fine.

He said that I am what he needs and he is what I need, and in a way, I agree.

This morning the words tumbled from my lips.

"I love you"

and he said he loves me too.