Errors!

 

 

 

Happy Note of the Day!

Dexter is trudging along in all of his snaily glory! 25 days!

It’s gonna be so fun!!!!

 

Ok, so if you haven’t read my drunken diatribes from this weekend, you were spared a bunch of nonsense.

First and foremost, I must say that I misspoke.

About Baboo.

I said he doesn’t give a fuck about my sons.

And that’s not true.

He does give a fuck. I just can’t expect him to jump and leap joyously into my fray. He has no kids and I have never expected anyone I started a relationship with to just go immediately into the "daddy" mode.

Things will happen in their time.

But he does care about them, just not in the way I really wanted him to care about them when I wrote those entries.

I was in a bad place…

why?

Because I made a grave error.

I should just STAY AWAY from Jonathon’s fathers page.

He added all these pics… and had all these pics of him with girls… girls that came AFTER me. One that I knew about. A girl he was with when I was STILL PREGNANT. And another he was with right after I had Jonathon. He had captions saying "We looked good together" and "where is she now?"

And it just kills me.

He never took pictures with me.

He doesn’t mention me at all.

None of those girls were as good as me.

None of them.

and I have his one and only son.

And it’s like I didn’t exist.

It just punched that button and sent me flying down a totally insane road.

and I just wanted to scream.

I wanted to write him a message so bad.

One of my faves (my beautiful Blue) and I chatted and she said I should let Jonathon call him and see what happens.

I know of one number that is posted online, not sure if it’s real.

And it’s been tickling in the back of my mind.

what a shock that would be.

"Hello?"

"Hi, are you my daddy?"

*sigh*

And then to make matters worse, without ANY KNOWLEDGE of what was bugging me, Jonathon comes up and starts talking about his dad… no lie.

He was writing things and he’s all "I hate 3"

and I said "Why?"

and he said "Because I was 3 years old when my daddy left me."

*sigh*

I guess he doesn’t really realize his daddy was never there. His daddy never met him. His daddy never held him. His daddy NEVER saw him with his own two eyes except for perhaps a few pictures that I sent him the last time we talked. When he said he wanted to see his son.

And then he drew back. And said he didn’t want to. and broke my heart for the 4th time. that was a few years ago though. He cut off all communication after that. I don’t even know why, except that he probably just wanted to forget we existed.

That fucker is 28 years old. He doesn’t have any more "I’m too young" exscuses.

and I don’t know why I won’t just nail him for child support. I could do it. I’d win.

*sigh*

this has been spinning in my head.

And I really needed Baboo.

And he came over yesterday and I just felt CRUSHED all day. I didn’t want to do anything but lay there. I wanted to sleep my life away. I don’t know how to explain to him this hole I punched in myself by backtracking that way. I shouldn’t have. And now I just need him there to keep me from spiraling.

Is it unfair to want him there?

I don’t know.

He saved me and he doesn’t even know it.

He was there in 07 when I was falling into a lot of suicidal thoughts. When I took a bunch of pills and tried to die.

And there he was.

and there we were.

and here we are.

and I misspoke so gravely about him, and I just want to take that back.

I was just so upset after seeing all that. This life that fucker has built around the lie that his son and I never existed in his life. All these people who probably think he’s a great guy, but dont’ know he left a child in the dust. I know his sisters myspace and I long to write her "hey, did you know you have a nephew? He’s gonna be 8 fucking years old"

*sigh*

I need to STOP.

Doing this to myself is pointless.

I need to stop looking back at the wreckage, it doesn’t lead anywhere good.

and I have good in front of me.

No need to look back.

It makes me so thankful for Baboo and I just want him near me.

It makes me feel safe.

I dunno.

I hate when these times come.

Fucking empathy.

I’m pretty sure in SOME way, i came across that fuckers mind.

Or something bad is happening to him.

It’s really only when that strangled feeling of "knowing" hits me that I go into super snoop mode. (Not to mention the guy who found me last week is a guy from that time period… it’s so crazy how all of these things seem to happen all at once)

and there we are.

jesus.

I’m tired of this.

something needs to be done.

On the positive side, I think Baboo is going to come over tonight.

I need him there.