Don’t go to sleep angry

Last night just sucked.

I got home and attended to the finishing touches on dinner.

One thing about letting someone else cook, you have to trust their skills.

My brother is a decent cook, but his spaghetti noodles are too fat and it makes the sauce weird.

So I was not impressed with my dinner. I added a bunch of red chili flakes and parmesan cheese.

blah.

Of course when that was all done with, I did not go to the doctor.

Instead I started drinking. (not a LOT. I just wanted a couple beers because I was feeling all tensed and angry)

Pink Lemonade (Mikes Hard) mmmm…

*cheers*

Baboo was going to be working late and getting a ride from his boss, so I wasn’t worried about having to drive.

Until half way into my first little wine cooler, I get a call.

ARRRRRRGH!

So I had to go pick Baboo up because his plans fell through.

That wasn’t the issue.

It was something else.

the thing about being really connected to someone is that you feel them even when they aren’t around.

And it was total black doom horror that just washed over me and switched me from mega bitch to ULTRASONIC MONSTER FROM BEYOND HELL BITCHMEGAULTRAHUGEMONGOUS!!!!! mode…

yeah.

So when I finally found him (one of my stupid moments where I didn’t see him and drove in circles and got more annoyed) it was like throwing oil on a fire.

We did not talk or look at each other.

He was angry.

I was angry.

there was a big mess on the freeway so it took double the amount of time to get home.

and I got lost thinking I knew where I was when I didn’t (lol)

Then we get hom eand Baboo doesn’t want to eat.

fine.

So I just got into bed and pulled a blanket over my head.

I figured I’d fall asleep long before he came to bed and maybe we’d sleep off whatever funk we were wading in.

but then he came to bed too, not before giving me the look that made me cry this weekend, the look of utter disgust and anger with me. He doesn’t look at me like that ever.

Well, until now.

So, he gets into bed and it’s like tension you can feel choking the life out of you.

So I went into the bathroom, balled up on the floor, cryed and thought "I can’t just NOT discuss what’s going on. We don’t "not talk"… we can’t go to sleep angry, it’s not good…"

So I got up and went into the room.

While I was away, he had constructed a giant wall of pillows down the middle of the bed. Ok, so it wasn’t GIANT, but it seemed giant.

I was very sad so I poked him and asked him what it was.

And that started us talking.  (yeah, it was one of THOSE discussions)

He was mad at me for not going to the Doctor.

I was upset bcause he was upset… and also because I was feeling pressured to do something I really didn’t want to do. I was being punished because I didn’t want to follow commands like a good  little girl.

He was upset because he feels like what he thinks isn’t important and his worries and concerns for me are worthless and I just don’t care.

I can see how he felt like that, but it’s not that all.

I just really don’t want to go to a doctor when I feel fine.

"Hi doctor, about 2 weeks ago, I was in pain, but it’s gone now. So I’m not sure why I’m here! whee!"

It just feels LAME to do that.

but he is convinced that something is wrong and I need to get it checked out now.

I am not so convinced.

I will go if I feel something, but for now I’m fine.

Right? Everything should be ok!!!

Well not so much… and while we sorta made up (after he threw pillows at my face and punched his aggression out on my legs and stuff… not HARD, just angsty and upset energy he needed to get out) the energy was still off.

I don’t know what to do.

He’s still mad at me today, but not as much.

I don’t want to just go to the doctor to make him happy.

it’s just stupid.

however, he now believes I am going to keep my issues from him and not tell him when I’m hurting.

I promised him I wouldn’t do that.

But a part of me sorta wants to.

I hate him worrying about me.

I hate anyone worrying about me like I’m actually going to be sick and have some horrible problem.

It makes me feel powerless and out of control.

and if you don’t know, I am a GIANT control freak. Even when I’m releasing my control, I still have control, if that makes sense.

Whatever.

So here we are.

I don’t know what else to say.

I’m going to activate my online access to my doctor and see if I can move my appointment up, for those that don’t know I DO have a doctors appointment later this month (I can’t believe it’s October!), but maybe something will open up sooner.

I just don’t want to go runing into a hospital for no reason.

I will look stupid.

It’s probably just gas.