death by mush

 

 

 

 

I got roped into going to a babyshower for Hot Coworker. HIs wife was here looking like the baby was about to fall out. Poor thing.

I really don’t like baby showers… unless they are for me. ha ha. But really, I don’t want to play the silly games or have to oo and aah over the presents (that aren’t mine) and think about the baby that’s coming (that isn’t mine) and blah blah blah. Yeah yeah baby fever makes me hateful and jealous.

whatever.

So I got handed a plate with cake on it and I ran away (after yelling "oh congratulations!!!" again, like i cared. blah. remember, i met her at the hospital last week…). I ate the cake and I feel shame. I’ll be doing at LEAST 20 minutes of work out tonight. but maybe 30 if I feel up to it. We’ll see.

So then I ate half of a soggy bleck nasty sandwich from Subway from yesterday. They can usually hold up pretty well, but this one did not. I ended up leaving most of the bread off and just eating the innards. Bleck. I feel sorta gross just talking about it. Stupid food.

then I had pretzels.

and the eeeeevil cake.

but i was still hungry so i ate a baggie of cereal i had from home.

now i feel like a cow.

definitely working out tonight.

last night i ate peanuts for dinner.

i know, that’s horrible, but i wasn’t hungry.

i’ll probably eat small again.

not bad, per say. but probably not so good.

Oh! So I had something else to write about!

So I’ve been unusually happy lately.

Which… isn’t bad. but it’s definitely abnormal.

I’m generally not a "chipper" type. I can usually level out and feel "ok"… but it’s not often i go for sustained periods of this… positive vibe.

It scares me in a sense because I’m afraid of losing it. I’m afraid of what it means when it decides to end.

But I’m not so afraid of it that I’m denying it, if that makes sense.

Basically, it’s gonna suck ass when the sadness comes back from vacation.

But for now I feel good.

Almost stable.

It’s odd.

I know one reason for it. And I hesitate to really talk about it, mainly because it seems to denote that my entire world hinges on this ONE thing.

That is not the case.

But I suppose most of the other stresses in my life (that are still there, mind you, just not as daunting as normal) are a lot more under my control. I can change things and move things in the direction that I desire and everything is really dependent on ME. So when those stresses bear down on me, they are more MINE and I can box them up or let them free or handle them as I see fit.

But this one thing, it involves influences that are out of my control. It involves trusting. It involves risk and vulnerability.

It involves a lack of control on my part.

and basically, I DON’T like that.

I hate it, to be honest.

I like to be in charge, even when I’m in charge of a mess. It’s MINE and i run the show.

But this isn’t like that.

and so… yeah, when it feels this stable and secure it tends to stabilize that part of me that feels the most out of control and dangerous.

If you haven’t figured it out by now, then i’ll just say it…

I feel more happy because I feel secure with "him". Not completely secure,and I’m sure that eventually this feeling will get washed away like a tidal wave hit it… but ever since he put himself out there and came with me and met my family… I just feel safer with him. I don’t know why. I can’t say exactly what it is, but I feel a lot more confident and my insecurities regarding him have lost a lot of their power.

I feel … like it’s real. I’m not making it up. I’m not projecting.

and therefore, i’m all mushy and gushy and crazy… ha.

As I said before, I realize my attachment is on a slightly deeper level than his. But I’ve accepted that I’ve loved this man since December. I’m pretty sure he hasn’t had that much time to process and filter through his feelings. So I suppose that is where the fear comes in, because he definitely has all probability of not coming to the same place I am.

but for now, it feels ok. we are on a good level. we are in good vibes. things are good.

and that feels so nice.

and it makes me wake up smiling.

and it makes me go through my day with my head up.

and i feel like even though i’m not in control, things will work out.

i dunno.

it’s lame.

i’m so gonna hate reading this back when i’m angry or sad or depressed.

but even those feelings are not guaranteed to come.

so, we’ll see.

i’m just so happy with "him" right now.

it’s stupid.

and the other things that are building up are doable and I know I can handle it.

I know boys HATE having that pressure of being a "reason" for anything good.

but whatever.

they can bite me.

i wish that I was able to be this for someone, because it is obviously a testament to what an amazing person I actually am if I can have this effect. I don’t think it makes him responsible for my mood, per say. just responsible for being the wonderful person that he is.

 

blah, mush mush. blah!

 

i’m gonna go before i kill myself with my mushiness!