Confession: I’m a bit depressed I think
Aw man, I have to do a confession before I implode.
I NEED THIS PLACE. I’m not using it enough. I’m not doing anything enough.
I realized yesterday that I might just be depressed. Like the real kind. Like possibly the Post Partum kind.
But not in the dark way, if that is even a thing. I’m not thinking about hurting myself or my baby or anything like that.
I’m just… *deeeep breath*
I’m way too attached. Like obssessed with him. Even having him on the floor in front of me playing is giving me anxiety. I want to be near him, holding him, with him EVERY POSSIBLE SECOND. When I have to give him to his brothers or his dad to do something, I get all agitated. Yesterday I needed a moment alone, but it was spent almost entirely wondering what was happening with him in the other room. I hate sitting in the front seat of the car because i just want to stare at him at all times.
I’m a fucking MESS of a woman right now. I get NOTHING done. I’ve made him very clingy too, to the point where he does not sleep if I’m not with him. He will go maybe 2 or 3 minutes before he wakes up if I try to leave his side when he is napping. He does not go to sleep at night if I am not there.
THIS IS BAD.
Here is what happened yesterday:
7:15 woke up took Jake to school
8:30: put away laundry (2 baskets)
9:00 – 12: Napped with the baby. yep. Napped. all damn morning
12 – 4: moped and sobbed over god knows what. Just didn’t want to do anything, jon was doing poorly on his school work and I just wanted to be with the baby. So that is what I did. I ate pancakes for lunch.
Yeah, that was my day. did I do anything?
OH THE LAUNDRY. but not all the laundry. Still 4 loads un finished. One left int he washer all day. Meanwhile, I’ve accumulated at least 2 more loads I have to do. wtf.
I get NOTHING done. All the projects and things I want to do are left flapping in the wind and time just goes by and all I can do is BE WITH HIM because that’s all I want. It’s all I want.
I can’t even bring myself to really feed him solids. That’s how messed up I am. Every time I put food into a bowl I get sick to my stomach. It means he won’t need my breast milk much anymore. And it KILLS ME. kills me so much.
I KNOW HE NEEDS TO EAT. He needs it.
BUT I DON’T WANT TO.
Everything I read has him eating at least twice a day. It’s a whole miracle if I give him solids (outside of nibbles off my plate if it’s safe for him) once a day. I feed him maybe 3 times a week that way. Otherwise it’s all breastmilk.
His weight and health is fine or I’d worry.
BUT I KNOW HE NEEDS TO EAT.
i just don’t wanna. I dont’ wanna give up feeding him.
I’m a total lunatic.
I cry thinking about him not being with me like he is right now ALWAYS.
it’s fucking ridiculous.
THEN!!! I get upset because I’m not doing other things. I’m not cleaning my house. I can barely put away one basket of laundry. I do nothing creative. No editing, no writing, no drawing, no videos, no plans for all these things I wanna do, no website updates, NOTHING.
Because I just want to be with my baby.
I feel sick when I’m not with him, even when i’m working on something else.
It’s a goddamned mess.
But then I feel like a failure and a loser because i’m not doing anything else.
I fail as a wife. I can barely communicate with my husband because it feels like a jumble of mess in my head. All of these feelings and emotions. He doesn’t understand. he tells me to calm down. He wants to help. He offers himself, but I can’t make him understand exactly what is wrong with me.
I fail as a home maker. I do good for maybe a few sporadic days. I vacuum weekly. I try to cook. I try. But my house is NOT where it should be. And I feel like such a loser when my husband comes home from working hard all day and all I’ve done is pair u a few socks and wipe down the counters. It’s stupid. I should be doing more. My house should be almost spotless. I should be kicking this home making stuff in the ass. But I’m not. I fail. I fail like a fucking fail whale on failure crack. *sigh*
I fail as a writer and creative force. I have so many ideas, things I should be doing. I can’t even get a weekly vlog done, let alone all the rest of the crap I wanna do. It’s not cool. I feel like I’m wasting my time and energy. It’s gonna get stagnant and dry up. WTF. I need to do these things. I’m ready to do them NOW. I don’t wanna look up and it’s next year and I’m pregnant again and I can’t do shit on a brick. I wanna start NOW. come on ME, do it!!!!
I fail as a mom. I do. Jacob has a project due next month and I don’t wanna do it. It’s building a mission. We have a kit. But its involved. Painting and glue and design and putting down "gravel" and shit. wtf. I don’t wanna. Jon’s school is rough. I really need to do more with him, but its hard when the baby doesn’t really let me "teach" and I get overwhelmed and fed up and Jon and I fight and yeah. Ugh. What did I get myself into? He needs to be home. I see this. But he is a hard child. Very demanding. Very difficult. And I HAVE TO find something social for him to do. He has friends in the neighborhood, but he needs more. He needs a sport. He needs an activity. But I haven’t gotten past the google search phase of the process. We checked out a local Karate school. Ummm, 180 bucks a month? Not gonna happen.
SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH SIGH.
SO MUCH HEAPING HIGH ON MY PLATE.
Staring at me with juding eyes.
And Ifeel so worthless. useless.
chained down with the very ropes of my own creation.
I did this to myself.
I can undo it.
but how?
I feel just fucked.
up a paddle without a creek.
lol
or something.
see? I can’t even get those little sayings right.
and now my husband wants to do a 4 hour commute by bus. Why? Because he doesnt want to wake up early enough to take the other train.
I don’t know.
whatever.
Just kill me now.
I gotta go.
there will probably be a lot of typos.
my baby needs me.
not that I’m complaining.
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You have so much on your plate right now. I get wanting to be with the baby all of the time, but sometimes you need to have time for you. I know it sounds easy to say but hard to do, I get that but I think maybe it is important for you to do something that is JUST for you. Haircut? Manicure? Pedicure? SOMETHING. Anything. I get it, believe me.
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deep breathe babe. Elias will ALWAYS need you, its okay if he needs you a little less than as a newborn. You need an outlet no matter where you get it from or your gonna go nuts-o!
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I’ve actually seen this happening with you and him, only because I have sort of wondered why he isn’t napping unless you are with him etc. So it made me pick up on the other little things you post about him and you. It concerned me but I thought perhaps you were slowly starting to allow him a bit of independence. Eating is definitely a good thing. I feel like I’m a bit of a screw up in that area as well. Rian is almost 10 months old and I don’t have her on three solid meals a day, which she should easily be at. I’m having problems with meal planning and figuring out what she’ll actually eat. She loves chunky stuff, she’s not a huge fan of pureed veggies anymore unless it’s canned stuff from the store, which I would rather make myself for her. Yet she’ll sit there and choke on the chunks even though they are soft from steaming. I hate seeing her choke but I’m with her through out and good slap against the back stops it all. Do you know what has stemmed this attachment? There are co-dependent issues that are not healthy that can develop from this. If Baboo’s work offers counseling as a benefit it may be something to look into.
Warning Comment
I know how much you hate doctors but you and your babies health is more important than your hatred of doctors right now. You need time for you too, it is OK to leave him from time to time. It’s OK to concentrate on you from time to time. I know and trust every person Rian is with (although in reality it’s a very small number, just Aleyn and his mom and my dad and his wife when they aren’t in AZ).It will be hard for you to even develop the ability to leave him if you don’t talk to someone about this. I’m not sure how much we can help with this. This isn’t just something a person can vent about, there is some real shit going on here. Some deep set stuff that you need to get to the bottom of. Loves you lots, please know this is all coming from my heart to yours. I think you are an amazing mom.
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You know by now how awesome the mommy-son relationship is, and he will always need you.. Ryan’s at the age now where he randomly comes up to tell me he loves me and to pepper my face with kisses… and it’s incredible!! And he’s a SUPER independent kid but that need is still there and I love it! Try seeking counseling… I started a few weeks ago and it’s SO awesome. I go weekly. We’re on medical assistance and it turns out there are a fair number of counselors out there who love helping the poor people!
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When I had Gabe, I went through the same thing. I swear. I had him with me 24/7 for the first two years. He’s only been away from me for a bit here and there at the very insistence of need. He’s still nursing at 2.5 years because he won’t give it up and I don’t have it in me to make him. He’s clingier than is probably healthy. Up until about 2-3 months ago, I didn’t write creatively.
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Gabe is my VERY last baby, and I don’t want to miss anything, so literally, he has been with me every second of every day. I missed out on so much with the older kids, I didn’t want to do it that way again. I look at him and think- God, how can I leave him to go back to work. But then I remember that he’s almost 3 (I actually stopped mid note to do a puzzle with him). It won’t always feel this way
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GO get a little help, woman. Talk to the doctor. Your chemicals are out of whack. This is natural. My wife goes through it every time she has a kid. *pokes*
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It’s different when the need is with a baby. But for your sake and his you have to try concentrating more on that effort. You have to assure yourself that’ll he’ll always be your baby and your son. And no amount of anything else is gonna take that away from you. You kind of have to put these mantras into place anytime you have these feelings. You have to work with reasonable thoughts and
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Perceptions. Think of the opportunities he’ll have as growing. You wouldn’t want to deny him his emotional health. You both need emotional health. Just picture him growing up healthy and strong with the things you don’t want to do for him. And picture yourself being a proud mother because you’re contributing to that. Think of the amazing person you’d raise without those attachments. Think of how
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You’d benefit him. And not hold him back because of yourself. You want the best for him and yourself. Use that.
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I know how you feel. I do. I dont know if it’s because I know this is my last baby, but I NEVER want to be away from him. I have gallstones, have been vomiting and in pain for almost a month now and will NOT have surgery because it means I’d have to be away from him. You should talk with Elias’ pediatrician. They may be able to recommend a way to ease into giving him his independence.
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wow, i am going to say that is very unhealthy for the two of you. why not talk to someone about it? you definitely need to talk to someone or get some help with the dysfunction with your husband. you aren’t nurturing each other in that relationship and it will come back to bite you, but he has to nurture you too. i hope it all gets better.
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Im sorry. That stinks, but I totally get it. I was like that with Dylan for some reason. Like I knew he was gonna be the last one and I wanted to cherish every single moment I had with him. I didnt want to let him go. Take your baby and the boys for a walk outside, even if you just go down the block and you can hold him too. Outside helps.
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*hugs*
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Hugs. I wish I could help you in some way.
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