Cleanse. Purge. Release. Rinse. Repeat.

Crocheting helped.

It’s something about that repetition. that pattern. it almost hypnotizes me.

Plus I watched Americas Next Top Retard (boo, i’m mad they got rid of Brook, i liked her!) and Ghost Hunters and they were nice distractions. I think I’ll be better today.

I know that I’m partially shutting down and refusing to deal with certain things.

OK, bad idea, but I’ll do it to stop being doom and gloom.

But I’m also partially getting over it and trying to swallow down on some of the things that are trying to regurgitate out of my throat and make a mess of my sanity.

I’m not doing it. I can’t let anyone, anything, any part of my past… make me that crazy. My present is not pretty. There is no "goodness" that invades everything. And that’s my fault. I have chosen the things that hold me down and weigh me at the bottom of the water and drown me. I chose them.

and i can choose to release them.

so I’m trying to do some of that. It’s just hard. I know that my life isn’t over… my life is just lonely. and my ability to trust right now is at an all time low. I don’t believe very many people are who they say they are. I don’t believe in peoples words being true. Actions have shown me that people are selfish and destructive and they will say anything to get what they want. Even if they DON’T have to say it, they will say it anyway. And everyone, including myself, is so damn self centered on what their little worlds need and want. What they desire. The end of their own paths. The things they ultimately want… that I just don’t believe that there are too many people who just stop and want to focus on another. This includes me. I can be like this.

Not to say that people don’t have good sides.

but most people don’t care.

and my ability to have faith in anyone being who they say they are is diminished. I allow myself to start out relationships, be they friendships, acquantences, love interests, whatever… i allow myself to give full trust in honesty. to believe words without proof. to give up an essential step to knowing me in that I say to myself "i will believe good things until they proove me wrong"

but i think i should make them prove themsevles right before I believe the good.

because in the end, though i can be reserved and i’m not out there with my heart on a platter inviting people to jab a knife into the throbbing heart, watch is bleed, hear it scream… i do get something very delicate inside of me burned and broken and abused so often, that now I’ve finally gotten sick of it.

Everyone notices that i seem like a "tough" almost "brutal" woman. My co workers (who i think see it the most) can’t help but make jokes about how harsh i am. My mother asked me if I could sell 50 cookie orders for my brothers fund raising. I said no. That I wouldn’t bother asking all of those jokers at work for a dollar, let alone 12 to buy cookie dough. I don’t know enough of them and I don’t want to.

That’s how I am. If I do like you, then i tend to make up for the fact that I don’t like MOST people by being overly open and willing to give and allow access to who Monique is. And in the end, this has gotten me wiped out and decimated too many times for me to count.

And I’m so tired of it.

I simply am.

I don’t want to get more cold or withdraw more or become even less friendly and more grouchy and mean than I already am. I don’t WANT to go there.

But I do know that there is a cold stealing over me. and I know that it will happen. because it’s the only way I know how to deal. I can’t like ANYONE until they show me they are likable. My instincts are broken. My… my…. filter needs replacing.

so that’s what I have to work on.

And I’m going to be sad for awhile.

And I’m gonna be a bitch.

And I’ll probably get even more weird about things like Sims, and video games in general and reading books and never leaving my house unless I have to.

I just can’t do it anymore.

And most people will be glad to know that I seriously am tired of men. boys. males. whatever. I’m not doing that right now. I know that superhottie lurks in the shadows. but it’s going on a full month of not hanging out. hell, might even be two at this point. and ya know what?

I don’t care. let him go. I want him to get a gf and be taken care of so bad. but it’s not me and I don’t want it to be me. and he needs to go and get that. he’s gorgeous and popular and he can if he wanted. he has his issues, no doubt, but he could be happy with a girl. i don’t want to be his band aid. and he is not really going to be able to be mine anymore because I need more than a fuck and a good luck as he walks out the door.

but i don’t want what photoboy gave me either. I don’t want to fall into someones embrace only to have it be a mirage. to feel warm and liked and special and like maybe it’s all cool. it won’t be love and it won’t even be a bit "like"… but it’s different and nice and respectful and a happy medium.

it wasn’t that. it was just selfish indulgence and stupid lies. for no good reason other than to make himself feel less like a using abusing jerk off and more like some sort of retarded knight in shining armor who cuddled the girl who wasn’t getting cuddled but he didn’t really care. or whatever. Not sure where I was going with that (got distracted by Mr. Happy Doom… who strangely enough, yesterday, bought me a giant cinnamon roll and is probably one of the few people to think about me like that in ages. just thought about me and got me something and didn’t expect me to pay him back or whatever. just bieng a nice guy. but he can be nice, even if he’s nuts and distracted me from my cleansing!).

anyway, this entry is probably too long anyway. I’m not sure how entry heavy I’ll be today. I wasn’t going to write at all. But I know I need to purge this and get it out and express it or I’ll get poisoned and just want to cry.

I did cry last night.

but it was out of exasperated frustration with the way things are with W. and the fact that he’s gained the ability to ignore me completely and move along as if jonathon and I don’t exist. it bothers me and upsets me. it angers me and depresses me. i wish i could just get so furious with him that I didn’t care and I just wanted to make him pay.

but i just want him to acknowledge us and start doing the right thing.

whatever.

I’m gonna go get some tea and try to wake up. I slept on my desk for 40 minutes this morning. That’s the longest I’ve done that since I started. My arms had the worst cramp! ha ha.

Anyway, I shall be ok. I just have to do it my way and work it my way and i’ll get to the other side my way. Other people can use therapy and medications and other such things with great success. But I’m Monique… and I have to do it my way. Or i’ll do it wrong and sabatoge it becasue it’s something forced on me.

I will do it my way because I know it will work.

Being sad isn’t WRONG.

Being sad and dealing with it… is just HARD.