Can You Hear My Heart Breaking?

Once again I had to leave when Jonathon was awake. It was really hard this morning, seeing as how I had an unexpected day off and got to spend it all snuggling and playing with him. I don’t like to break my routine like that, it just complicates everything. Especially with these holidays coming up. I’ll be home more than ever.

A normal person would be overjoyed… which I am. But I’m also really sad, because I know how much I’m going to hate coming to work once the holidays go away.

But that’s not what I wanted to write about. I was just thinking about this morning. I cried this morning. I haven’t done that in awhile. I cried because Jonathon was crying when I left. It wasn’t a scream or anything loud. It was soft and very sad. I had just peeked in on him before I left, and he was laying there kinda smiling at his bear mobile, his eyes looking so beautiful in the glow of the nightlight. So I leaned over to kiss him, and it seemed like his whole face came alive. He smiled so big and started kicking. He was excited, I had come to him. His Mommy. So I tucked his little blanket around him, he has a bad habit of kicking it off, and backed away and out of the door. Then he cried out, which immediately had me back in the room, watching him from the doorway to see if he’d start to scream in earnest.

But he didn’t really. He started to “yell” as I call it. It’s not really a cry, more like a whine, but I could tell he was upset. And he kinda talks while he does this too. And it sounded like he said Ma-Ma… My common sense says he didn’t say anything of the sort and it’s just my overactive imagination and hunger for drama working overtime. But he kept saying it… and whimpering and kinda letting out a little wail now and then. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to scoop him up and hold him close and let him go back to sleep in my arms. So he wouldn’t be so sad.

I couldn’t stop the tears. His little cries sounded just like my heart breaking. It was like I could hear my heart just shattering in his little baby voice. It was like his little heart was breaking too. Mommy was there, Mommy kissed me, Mommy went away, Mommy isn’t coming back for a long time.

Ouch, it really hurts. It hurts a lot.