bittersweet symphony *edit

we had this amazing open conversation last night.

some highlights:

*He’s ready to take on a father figure role to my sons

*He’s now fully aware that there will never be a "perfect" time to have a baby, financially or emotionally, so he’s ready to go for it whenever.

*He wants me to get divorced… and while he didn’t say it, I know it’s because he wants us to truly be a real family, and that means marriage.

*He wanted me to be pregnant

*While it took him a while to reach the point of accepting me for all that I am, he has. He equated it to a "veil being lifted". It was really awesome to hear him say that.

We had sex this morning.

And then I started my period.

It’s all so bitter sweet.

*edit: ok, because of a private note, i’ll say this: I am legally married right now, as a god per centage of my noters know. It was never a "real marriage". I haven’t seen that man for over 4 years now. The marriage was out of necessity because he was not legally in the country and we had a son together. I wanted to give one of my children a real and complete home if I could, so i married someone I did not love and was willing to sacrifice my happiness to give my sons a good life.

It didn’t happen.

 He cheated on me, stole from me, ruined my credit and my ability to flourish and disappeared. He could be anywhere and I have no idea. I have had a lot of issues getting a divorce, mainly because I can’t find him and I don’t have the money for legal help. I have filed the divorce papers, but they are not finalized yet. I’m stuck. I’m doing what I can and I hope that by the end of the year I’ve made progress. But I get so intimidated and overwhelmed. However, Baboo really supports me and I know that i have a lot more motivation to get this done quicker so that we can have the life we deserve without any of that old baggage.

That is all 🙂