Baby Talk

Yes yes, now it’s time for baby talk!

So on Friday night after drinking half of my blue alcoholic beverage, my tongue loosened (I actually purposefully thought "Well, now is as good a time as ever to bring this up, specially since we’re both drinking!")… and I brought up an issue that has been bugging me.

As I’ve mentioned, I want to have another baby within the next 5 years. I didn’t want to have a baby past 30, but I really want to have one more child, so I’ve extended my little window of… whatever past what I had thought of in the past.

Anyway, in the relationship that I am in, I realize that my desire goes beyond my reproductive desires and bleeds into me wanting to have a baby with Baboo. I want that connection and bonding and to create something beautiful that is a part of both of us.

However, he is not as … in favor of it as I am. We go back and forth. At one time we both agreed, but since that day it’s all gone downhill to where he is basically telling me I should get over it because it’s not gonna happen.

The last conversation before my birthday, he told me that he wanted to wait 10 years.

It will be too late for me in 10 years… so that effectively means that I won’t be the one who brings his child into the world.

Who else it will be is really a mystery. I don’t really understand him planning for a future that doesn’t involve me and yet staying involved with me now. If you don’t want that future with ME than what in the hell are we doing?

ANYWAY, at dinner I brought up the question that was something like: So do you feel like you could just have a baby with anyone, or is there any emotional attachment that makes you want to have a baby with me more?

And his answer was basically that he could have a baby with anyone, it doesn’t matter who the mother is.

This threw me off and I wanted to cry… and then he made it worse.

He went on to say that his reasons for not wanting a child with me went into my genetics. My family has a history of heart issues and diabetes and he feels like if we had a child together it would be high risk for too many health problems and he doesn’t want to have a child who has any issues like that.

I thought to myself "Well good fucking luck finding someone who has NO family history of health problems you fucking dick"…

He went on to say that it’s something he could possibly "get over"… but it really didn’t seem like it. I wanted to cry and scream, but i just held it in and shoved food into my mouth.

He tried to make it better later by saying that my genetics is also a reason why he would want a child with me. We talked about what color the babies skin would be and how their hair would look. He said I have a lot of possible combinations in my gene pool and I do. I have lots of family with blue and green eyes, blond hair, straight hair, curly hair, frizzy hair (like mine, ha ha), every skin color in the rainbow from so pale you turn red when someone looks at you funny and deep cinnamon browns. So my children have a good chance of looking pretty exotic.

He said that really, he is looking at it scientifically and totally detached from emotions. He wants a baby who is healthy and has no issues working against them.

And it just makes me feel lame and stupid for even wanting a child with him. Everytime we get over one issue, another pops up. We talked about this off and on all weekend and his view never changed. Suddenly, it’s things I have no control over that make me an unviable candidate to mother his child. It’s like stabbing me in the face over and over…

So yeah, I could go out and get pregnant by anyone. I could have had 3 or 4 more children by now if I wanted to. Hell, I had people volunteering to give me a kid (like the hot russian) since I joked saying I’d sign a paper saying I wouldn’t ask for child support and crap like that…

But that’s not what i want.

I don’t just want a baby for the sake of popping out a kid, no matter how amazing the process is to me.

I want to have a baby so that I can create a child with someone I love. I want to have another baby for the selfish reason that I want to share everything that is involved with someone who wants to be there and who falls in love with the baby with me. I want to have a labor where it’s not my step mother or my friend standing next to me, but my childs father. I want the birth certificate signed by both parents. I want my baby to grow up and say daddy and have someone to call that name. I want a child with this man who I know would make a great father and I want to give him something that nobody but the woman in his life can give him.

But I guess I’m just a delusional stupid dummy of a girl to want these things with Baboo.

For some reason I feel like we have the best relationshp I could ever ask for and it’s all going to end when I’m least expecting it.

I see no end to what we have, we work so great together. But it’s like doom is sitting on my shoulder with an ax and it’s gonna come down and I won’t even know it until my head is rolling across the street.

I really don’t know what to do.

There is no resolution right now.

None at all.

Stupid baby talk.