Yes, another duty day/night for me…
I swear, I am the most messed up person in the world….I have a very wonderful girl friend, she loves me so much, and is willing to do whatever she can do for me to help me out. So with me having this great g/f, and someone that I asked to marry me, (yes you read that right, I asked her to marry me…). Anyway, one of the things that has been going on between Jane and I is this: I have been going to craig’s list for so long, and asking the females that post their ads for pictures. I do this, just to see if they will write me back, and if I will get pictures. I am not going to meet up with any of them…I have no reason to meet up with any of them. But a step up though, I do not know how this happened, but someone did get into my yahoo account. I do not know if the pass word was figured out some how, or what….but someone was sending Jane a lot of different e-mails with stuff I had writen to these people. This was my yahoo account….and it’s not to hard to get into them, if you know what your doing, I guess. I don’t know…but I did change the pass word I have on my account. I never did get to see any of the e-mails that were being sent to Jane though. Makes me wonder why she didn’t let me see them, but oh well…it doesn’t matter. But I was in a relationship with her, and I shouldn’t have been asking people for pictures….it doesn’t matter what kind of picture that they would send me, right? So when Jane found out I was doing this, she got really upset at me about this. I so many times told her that I was not going to meet up with any of these people….I have no reason to do anything like that. And I had stopped dropping e-mails to people asking for pictures. So here I sit on duty, looking at craig’s list’s, and I start dropping e-mails. After the first one, I was like “what are you doing…?” But I didn’t stop. I knew that I am not going to meet up with anyone….yet to Jane, she thinks that I am cheating on her. I am using my mind to cheat on her with other people. That she isn’t enough for me. I don’t know if any one person will ever be enough for me. Someone that I know, and love told me this once, and I so believe her when she told me this….”I have to much feelings and to much to give just one person. I am one of those people that could have two or three people that I love equaly and truely.” It was so wierd hearing her say that to me, but how can someone explain that to someone else…? It makes sense to me, since I know who I am, and how I feel, think and act. I love Jane, I am very happy with her, and I will be thrilled to marry her….but I do have more in my heart than I know what to do with. I am to friendly, and I am just I don’t know…not wired right. Okay, let me get back to what I was talking about….so here I am on duty, and I start dropping e-mails to people asking for pictures. Well low and behold, one of the people that I drop an e-mail to, happens to be someone that know Jane. So Jane gets the e-mail, she asks me “you still writing people e-mails….?” And of course after I write her back telling her that I haven’t been doing it, she sends me the copy of the e-mail she got from her friend. So…now I am wondering what is going to happen…will she leave me over this, or will we be back where we were two weeks ago…? I do not want her to leave me….but if she were to leave me, I wouldn’t blame her. I guess to me, the actions of asking someone for pictures is not cheating…I am not doing it to get off…I am not thinking about them while I am with her. But how can you explain that to someone…? I tell her all the time that she is all I want, and I think I show her as best as I can. Me sitting here asking someone I don’t know, nor someone I am going to meet for pictures should mean nothing to her….it means nothing to me. So why do I do it, you ask….? I do it because it is cheap entertianment while I am here at work….nothing more for me. I just wish she would understand that fact. I do my best to leave what I do at work….and what I do at home, at home. I do not bring this home with me. It was brought into the home because someone was able to get my e-mail, and try thier best to break Jane and I up. Of course I didn’t help be not stopping what I was doing, even though I told Jane that I have stopped. Who ever it was that got into my yahoo account was sending only the most damning items from the e-mails that were saved in my in outgoing folder. And yes, that was turned on, somehow…and I know I didn’t turn it on. I have no reason to keep any e-mails that I send to people.
Anyway, I’m just stupid I know….but I’ll see what happens, and post as I can. Laters…