Life is a turd with no paper, nor water to flush

Oh where to start with all of what is going on in my life…  One place is saying it is hell, and I am the hand basket going down the slope covered in oil with no where to jump off.  I do not even know how long it has been since I put any of my feeling down.  I have just been packing them with me, more and more, longer and longer.  While I was in Iraq, I did not have to really worry about what was going on, because I was so far away.  There was the day to day crap there to deal with, but with me staying in the armory like I chose to, I was able to stay away from a lot of things.  There were days though, when everything went wrong for me just because I woke up.  Was it something I did…?  Most of the time it was just me, being whom I am, and not making the “friends” I guess I could have there.  I do not know, and I do not care right now.  I am done with that, I am back in San Diego, and well I thought I was going to go to my shore duty command.  I was suppose to go to the sub base here in San Diego.  There is a floating dry dock, and for whatever reasons, they needed a Gunners Mate to go there.  I pick the orders, and I got them…so I really thought I was going to get to go there.  Low and behold though, it turned up that I was needed for an investigation that the San Diego Police were doing.  For those that have read and know me, you know I have three kids, and what is going on with them.  This investigation was about my kids, mainly Brooke, the oldest of my three kids.  The detective that wanted to talk to me, she did what she needed to do to track me down, and that is to use the NCIS people to locate and then get in touch with me.  Okay, with that done, now the ship has their dick skinners in my life even more.  And for whatever reason, the XO here, got in touch with the XO of the new duty station I was suppose to go to.  When that was done, the new duty station said “Nope, we do not want him, cancel the orders.”  Now I am pretty much here on the ship, with not much of a job to do, because the CO thinks I am so “problem” and they do not want me around the weapons.  Well piss the hell off, because this was going on long before I came to this ship, and well damn it, I had 1000 guns at my finger tips while I was in Iraq.  Shit, if anything, that is where you want to worry about someone…!  Not here state side where a person can get help, or get things taken care of.  Oh wait, a person has to get the hell off the ship before that can happen.  We are under this week, and for three days next week, and three more days the week after that.  Then there is the Christmas stand down coming up.  Not that it matters…because not only will the ship be on short days, or just duty section only, so will the rest of the base.  I have no idea what the underway periods are, after the first of the year, but I have a feeling it is going to be just as bad.  A deployment is coming up in April, and well damn it, the last thing I want is to still be here when the ship leaves for 6 months.  I at least got to talk to the XO today, just to see or at least understand what he is talking about.  It sounds like he is still in contact with the NCIS person, and keeping “tabs” on the investigation.  Well right now, it is over with, and it now under review by the people in the DA’s office.  But that does not really mean anything at all…!  And should be whatever chance there is, chargers are pressed against me in this investigation, the DA can have up to three years to do so.  I asked the XO though…”So I am looking at being here for three years…?”  Because that is how long it could take for the DA to do anything.  He was like…”No, we are not going to keep you here that long…”  I have talked to, and sent a couple e-mails to the guy that gives out our jobs, he is called the detailer.  As of right now though, there is no “general” billet here in San Diego.  I fear though, that if I take something good, the XO here will go shoot his mouth off again, and get my orders canceled on me, again.  I wish I knew what to do…because it is not like I am not liked on this ship, I just do not want to be here any more.  I am tired of this ship, I do not like coming here, I do not like having to work on here.  I do though, because I need to.  The last thing I should do is just give up, and turn into a shit bag.  I have already been doing the shit jobs for the division though.  Hell since I am not suppose to be around the guns, there is not much I can do I guess.  I have been helping out though.  Today, I tore apart a valve that was all jacked up, and got it working better than what it was NEW…!  Did I have to…?  No, of course I did not have to.  I chose to,

and it was fun to do.  I got to do something I have not done before, and it needed to be done.  What had happened, this new valve, well it is more of a sea strainer, it was brand new.  When it was put together, there was some silicone put inside this thing.  I have no idea what kind was used, but this stuff pretty much turned to GLUE, and that kept the valve from coming lose inside, and keeping it locked in place.  What I needed to do, was to get the valve apart, and find out what was going on.  Of course, since I have never done any kind of work on something like this, and I did not have any prints on this thing, I was pretty much going blind on this…!  Of course most of the time that is what I do, I just work, and figure it out as I go.  It only took me three hours to take apart, and then put back together.  Of course when there are things already wrong with it before I even start on it, there is not much I can do about that.

I no longer want to be here on this ship.  I really no longer want to be in the Navy for honestly.  I have but 3 years and 7 months to go, and it is not going to be done with soon enough.  Hurting myself to get off the ship is not really an option I want to think about.  I like the fact that I am 35 years old, and have not had any broken bones.  The tuff fracture I had in my finger tip how ever many years ago, does not count in my book.  I am far to active to just do something that will effect my life.  I do not know what I want to do, or what is going to happen.  A persons’ life is suppose to be their own, and we are suppose to be able to control our own path.  Right now, I am not able to do anything but just sit here, and wait.  Waiting for me, is the second hardest thing for me to do.  Being late is like right up there with waiting, so I would rather wait than be late, but at the same time, this kind of waiting is going to push me far out of my limits of patents.  Next week the ship is underway for two nights, but we are being made to stay on board while in port.  So Tuesday night is not going to be fun at all.  Then the ship is back out for the first three days the week after that.  That starts Christmas stand down for the ship.  I have no idea when I will be leaving this place…but I just want to go, and not come back.  I do not hate life right now, but I sure am not at all thrilled with what is going on in my life.  I will come back and post more, since I am able to again.  Not sure when, but I will.