20 october 2003 part 1

     Another day has started here for me…it is Monday the 20 th of October…and well it is also 1:15 in the morning.  I had hopes to watch some football on the telly, but no real luck there.  Far to many breaks in the signal coming in.  Just hope things clear up for that baseball game tonight.  I am going to be really pisses off if I can’t watch the second game of the World series.  I didn’t watch all of game one due to me sleeping in yesterday.  Then again that is mainly what I did all day yesterday…sleep.  I have just been really tired (again) for a while.  I am sure it is due to my depression.  Right now we are looking at 20 days until we are back in San Diego.  We still have to cross the inter-national date line, and that adds a day when you are going East.  Going West, you take a day off…so lucky us…!  We will do that after the stop in Guam though.  So I’m guessing we will either have two Monday’s or two Tuesday’s.  But who really knows right now.  I did do one good thing today though…well doc might not think it was a good thing, but I was on the tread mill for 30 minutes.  Yeah I know what he said, but damn it felt good, and my right hip wasn’t screaming at me…so I kept going.  The thing that got me a little pissed though, I was going to add more time to the machine, and I hit the “E” stop button.  So I had to restart everything…!  I had been going for like 16 minutes, so I just went for 15 minutes, but started the run at 7 miles per hour.  That is what I was going at when I hit the stop button.  So yeah…need to watch that damn thing next time.  Also did some work on getting the boarding gear stacked…or whatever I am going to do with it.  I just haven’t felt like doing anything for a while…and well that isn’t a good thing.  There is still so much to do, and well I can’t stop now.  I am not sure just what I am working for…but I do have all that gear that I need to get put away, and well people just need to see me doing things.  I have been walking around here like I lost my best puppy, and my best friend all in the same day for to long.  What else do you what though…?  How much can one person take…?  And no one even knows the road I still have to walk once I get back to San Diego.  That is what scares me the most.  I so need to be back in San Diego, but at the same time I don’t want to be there.  I have to answer all the allegations that have been brought up against me…I have to face so many judges and go to who knows how many hearings.  The divorce alone is going to be bad enough…but the kids…I would rather die than lose my kids…to anyone…!  I know that “so called” doesn’t stand a chance of getting the kids…but damn, I don’t know what I am going to have to do for them.  And can I even do it for them now…?  Can you make a better man from something so broken…?  So much of me has been lost.  So much of me has been crushed…so much of me just doesn’t know any more. 

What hurts the most though…is when I read that part in the paper work I got from the courts about Brooke saying “I wish someone would kill my daddy.”  There has to be a reason why she would say something like that…but I haven’t a clue as to why.  After eight months of my being gone…and she would say something like that…someone has to be planting things in that child’s head.  Something else that was in the paper work was something about Ricky going to the closet, going in and shutting the door…and of course it had to do with me putting the kids in there when they were bad.  I have never put my kids in a closet when they were bad.  But of course it’s just my word against who’s…my kids of course.  And right now it’s the kids that they are going to listen to.