Mending.

Let me start by saying that yoga, specifically hot yoga, is probably the best thing I have ever done. It makes my body feel good afterwards, I’m looking leaner (which is always a bonus), and it some how resets my mind and makes all my anxiety sort of whither away. It makes what I refer to as my crazy sort of melt out of my body. Literally melt. Almost as if the sweat that pores out of my body is everything that bothers me. Not that I actually imagine this while I’m on the mat, not that I really imagine anything. It’s so hot, we move so quickly, and it takes the majority of my mental energy to focus on staying in a pose or not dying. It’s fantastic. Everyone should do it.

I started out with that because if it wasn’t for a hot yoga class last week, I’m relatively sure I would’ve done something I would have deeply regretted if I had been acting on impulse. I’d like to think I would have been rational, but I was pretty miserable that day. Emotionally tired.

So. The day after my previous entry about the bromance between my boyfriend and this guy James, I booked a hotel room for Greg and my anniversary in a few weeks. We had talked about doing so a few weeks earlier and how nice it would be to go to the beach together again, but closer to home. So I did it sort of as a surprise because I knew he was expecting to have to pay for it and I was excited to actually book it. So I got to his apartment and we talked a little bit about his man-date and then I mentioned the hotel room. He completely forgot that our anniversary was that weekend and his dad is coming into town. I blew up at him and eventually stormed out (while he laid on the couch and told me not to go). He called and told me to come back and we could talk about it. His solution was to go anyway and just stay the night (rather then, you know, actually going to the beach or doing anything other than sleeping in a fucking hotel room). Not only would I feel like an asshole for making him leave his father alone, I feel like that would be a complete waste of time and money. Well, regardless it’s a waste of money. Nonrefundable.

On top of that, while he was in the shower I was using his ipad to check my email to see if there was anyway I could cancel my room when I accidentally opened his email. (That little ‘mail’ button is close to the safari button.) There email opened to an email to Boise State. Where he was accepted and asking about orientation or something. So that threw me more off balance.

Anyway. Skipping over the boring details, I was contemplating breaking things off with him. And, if he hadn’t called me while I was driving away, I would have done so that night. We did spend more time together that night, but none of it was satisfying enough to make me remember exactly why I was dealing with all these negative emotions on a semi-regular basis. Not to mention the completely unsatisfying answer of "I don’t know." when asking if/when he got accepted to school here if he would stay (this was after my accidental reading of the email).

So I went to yoga the next night. And things just sort of… clicked. I can’t control what he does, nor would I really want to. I do love him, and deeply want him to be happy. I know that he is a very forgetful human being and he didn’t schedule his dad to come on that weekend to be spiteful. I have to take him at his word that he truly doesn’t know what he wants to do. If he was going to lie about it, he’d tell me he was staying here. I need to let it go until it actually happens otherwise I’m just pushing him away.

Between that realization and an actually fantastic weekend alone together, I think we’ve finally mended whatever was happening between us. I approached the Boise subject that Friday and he reassured me that he had only applied there shortly after we’d gotten together as a joke. And while he’d enjoy going there, it isn’t really feasible — it’s far from me and far from his family. He also repeated that I am a big factor in his decision and how much he loved me. Also, that if I really felt like it I could go through any form of communication that I wanted and I would find nothing because he’s being honest. I believe him and I didn’t mean to look at his email.

I’m also making that weekend a girls’ weekend, considering I already have a room.