Being single. ish.

So I’ve been single for oh… Well, I actually don’t have any idea when the concrete date was when George and I ended, especially since we still remain friends. We just talk a lot less. We’ll say it was the last time we slept together. So I’ve been single for almost a year. I really sort of just didn’t let go of everything until November-ish, I guess. So I entered to world of online dating in… December? January? I don’t know, especially since I’ve deleted my account on almost every site I joined. It’s been an experience, to say the least. About myself I’ve learned that I have a much lower tolerance for bull shit when it isn’t "in real life". When approached by a not so good looking, or a complete idiot (or both) in real life I fake politeness and a smile, while on these sites I can openly ignore a guy or flat out tell someone to fuck off; or some myriad of emotions in between.

I’ve also learned that I aim low on the looks spectrum with guys. My friends continually tell me to up my standards. Which has brought me to the realization that I am horribly insecure. The guy I’m seeing now actually registers on people’s radar, and that apparently makes me want to throw things. The fact that he doesn’t feel the overwhelming need to make me commit, or even express his emotions in anything other than physicallity, makes me nervous on levels I didn’t even know existed. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t really want to commit at this moment, and I haven’t exactly been Shakespearan in expressing myself to him, either. I’ve never dated someone who didn’t feel the need to sink their claws in and keep me. (With the exception of maybe Brian, but we were so young when it started out so who knows.) It’s exciting and nauseating at the same time. He’s so opposite of what my ‘type’ has generally turned out to be that that also makes me nervous. I need to remember how to calm the fuck down. Seriously.

However, if things do not turn out well with this guy, I’m retiring from dating for a little while. I’ll go back into my little naive coma where I don’t really know what I date is. It’s easier that way.

So this wasn’t exactly the entry I set out to write, but the fact that Justin Beiber came onto my Pandora interrupted my thought process with anger and hostility. At least that knot in my stomach went away.