How Often Do You Lie?

Everyone does it. We tell lies if we want to admit it to ourselves or not. I tell lies every single day. I lie when I say I’ve had enough. That this time will be different. I’m going to stand up for myself and walk away for good. I lie when I say I won’t fall for yet another one of her see-through exscuses. I lie when I say I that I’m not in love with her anymore. I can lie to myself all day long, but I’ll never believe myself cause no matter how blind I want to me, the truth is still right in front of me. The truth is in her actions, never has been in the words she says.

I feel as I’m I am living a cursed life. Doomed from the start to know what happiness is, but like the rainbow we chanced as children, it will always be just out of reach. Sure, I’ve been happy before, but it’s always been something temporary. Such a restless, fleeting emotion that I can’t hold on to no matter how tight of a grip I think I have on it.

I deserve happiness. I won’t be alive forever and I know that I’ll end up just like my dad, dead and alone in my bed. I feel as if Shelley is my last chance to break this curse, but I’m insane for thinking that it’ll ever be. I’ve been trying too hard. I spend a large chunk of each day trying to think up ways to show Shelley that if she were to love me that I would be the best partner she has ever had, but that too is a lie. She will outlive me and I will leave her someday. The best partner would never leave her, but all the other things I say to her I say least feel that they are true. I’ll always love her no matter what. Truth. This woman has done a I’m lot of bad things to me. Things I should hate her for, but even though she makes me so angry at times that my blood boils, I still love her. I don’t know what to do. I know that I should cut ties with her. That I would eventually get over her and maybe even find someone else. Someone that deserves to be with me, but I honestly have tried and it’s never been successful for more than a week. She will show up and I’m right back to where I was, buying her things, listing every good quality I have and begging for her to open her eyes and finally see me on my knees in front of her holding my heart in my outstretched hands hoping she’ll accept it and take care of it, but time and time again she has thrown my fragile heart against the wall, stomped on it shattering it into the smallest possible pieces before lighting it on fire and letting it suffer while she calmly walks away.

I know who she is and I know that every word she says is just her saying what she thinks in want to hear. She thinks that if she tells me that she loves me that it will save me from being heartbroken, but when she proves she doesn’t love me I’m broken so much worse than the truth could have ever done.

I’m pathetic. I don’t know what to do.. I wouldn’t know how to live this life if I wasn’t chasing a after Shelley.