Venus Penus

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Nothing can bond a group of people together more efficiently than getting hit with the same splash of blood drops.  In July a patient came in under arrest, drunk and disorderly, with a scalp laceration. Like most scalp cuts this was bloody but not life threatening, and our patient was large and combative enough to need the two cops who arrested him to hold him down, while I sedated him enough to stitch him up. The main problem with this drunk fellow was that as he thrashed, he sprayed around little drops of his blood over us all until the sedation took hold. We were gowned and had eye protection so we were ok.

We fixed him up and the cops took him away, and then, surprisingly, there were no more patients. It was close to four AM, and we had finally hit a lull.  I grabbed a cup of the mud-like sludge we laughingly call coffee from the lounge and went to the main desk to chart. I found the rest of the night shift there, all sipping sludge, and chatting quietly.

There was Maddie, the night charge nurse, Steve the lab tech, two other nurses, Eve and Maura, and Jack, the surgical resident. I felt we were a good team, and over the months we had become close.

As I sat down, Maddie gave me a mischievous look and cleared her throat.

            “Rob, did you hear that Maura has just gotten engaged?”

            “Oh, congratulations Maura!” I said with a half sincere smile. Although Maura and I were friendly, and we had never even flirted, I had to admit she was hot, and I hated to see her come ‘off the market’ so to speak. Maura smiled and blushed. I wondered why she would blush at such an innocent remark.

            “Rob”, Maddie continued, “we were about to give Maura some advice on a problem she is having with her fiancé. It seems he is the only man we know of who has not named his penis, and she feels a little embarrassed to have to refer to it as, well, that word that rhymes with clock.” Now for Maddie to be that proper in her speech certified this was a serious matter, because she was a fine looking woman in her mid thirties, on her third husband, and told way more dirty jokes than any guy in the ER.

            “And you want my advice?” I said hesitantly. I could feel my face getting flushed already. The three nurses each smiled, and Jack and Steve both started laughing.

            “Well not just you Rob, all the guys.”

            “We were trying to figure out a good name for Maura to suggest to her fiancé, and we need advice from you guys." Maddie was grinning now.

  Jack start laughing, “Just don’t use the word ‘little’ in the name.”

            “Don’t make it too clinical,” Steve said. “Keep ‘love muscle’ out of it, sounds way too functional.”

“ ‘Male Member’ makes it sound like he’s joining a country club,” Eve giggled.

I was thinking during this interchange, and had listed some good penis name attributes.

            “Well,” I said, “A good name has to have certain qualities. First, it has to sound big and awe inspiring, cuz guys do have delicate egos about this.  Second, it should sound pleasurable, and third, it should be a little sexy and naughty but not gross.”

            “My first boyfriend called his ‘Dickus Maximus’,” Eve smirked, “But he should have called it ‘Dickus Too Soonus’.”

            “Premature Pickle!” chimed in Maddie.

I was afraid that this would soon turn into a guy bashing event, but Jack saved us.

            “Well, I call mine ‘The Penetrator’,” he grinned. I thought that actually w

as a good name for a surgical guy’s appendage.

Maddie looked expectantly at Steve, and I could see that he didn’t want to be outdone by Jack, but was hesitant to divulge such private information. Suddenly, he got a look of determined resolve and blurted “Mine is the ‘Thrill Drill’.”  I think the nurses looked at Steve with new respect after that, because you have to admit, it was a good name. Then suddenly, all eyes were on me, five faces with expectant looks, and me a private guy. I really didn’t want to divulge what I called my private part in intimate moments.

            “Nope guys, that’s confidential”, I managed to say quietly.

Then it started. If you have never heard three nurses and a lab tech plus a surgical resident begin to whine, cajole and tease at four in the morning, you have no idea what I endured for that full sixty seconds. I was frantically trying to think of a substitute name. I came up with some cool ones as the adrenaline pumped through my body:  Phallus of Malice, El Magnifico, and Gristle Missile seemed the three best candidates. Finally, for reasons I still can’t explain, I blurted out the real name.  

            “I call it ‘The Wizard’,” I said.

Maddie and the others looked as me as my face slowly turned a deep shade of red.

            “You mean wizard as in Harry Potter?”

            “No no not like Harry Potter, he’s a kid!”

            “Gandalf from Lord of the Rings then?” Maddie teased.

            “Well, yea kinda.”

            “Why him Rob? Isnt he old and grey?” They trapped me now. I had to explain.

            “He has,” I explained  slowly, “A Magic Wand.”

The nurses all nodded approvingly, and even Jack and Steve gave me a thumb up. I had passed some test it seems.

I never heard another thing about that night. No nurses teasing me about wizards or anything, no sly comments from the surgical residents or lab techs. I thought everyone had forgotten about it.

My birthday is in mid September, and the night crew had a little party for me, as we do for each staffer’s birthday. At our first slow time, Maura came out carrying a cupcake with a single candle, and Maddie, Eve, Jack and Steve all sang a soft chorus of Happy Birthday. Maddie then handed me a small narrow box with a fancy bow on it as my present. I opened it, and inside was a Magic Wand.

As a brief footnote, I wish to present a quote from one of my favorite movies. Rob Reiner’s This is Spinal Tap

DiBergi: It’s very pretty.
Nigel Tufnel: Yeah, I’ve been fooling around with it for a few months.
Marty DiBergi: It’s a bit of a departure from what you normally play.
Nigel Tufnel: It’s part of a trilogy, a musical trilogy I’m working on in D minor which is the saddest of all keys, I find. People weep instantly when they hear it, and I don’t know why.
Marty DiBergi: It’s very nice.
Nigel Tufnel: You know, just simple lines intertwining, you know, very much like – I’m really influenced by Mozart and Bach, and it’s sort of in between those, really. It’s like a Mach piece, really. It’s sort of…
Marty DiBergi: What do you call this?
Nigel Tufnel: Well, this piece is called "Lick My Love Pump".