Vampires & Vamps

I felt like I had been through a week of Mondays, and was looking forward to just chilling out over the weekend. No call, no hospital, just a good time to chill out and get my mind in order. To pass the time, I sat back on Saturday morning and reviewed some of my previous dating research. Regular readers will know that I periodically try new things to meet and woo attractive women; from subliminal messages (heybabywanttobemylittlelovedolltonight?), to giving them a few drinks so I seem more attractive, and even not showering to let my natural manly pheromones make susceptible ladies all lustful after my hunky bod. Once I even stuffed gym socks into my pants to enhance my manly bulge – which is quite manly to begin with, thank you very much.

I needed one more project to complete my research, and upon re-reading an old entry, Neck Nibbler,  http://www.opendiary.com/entryview.asp , I finally found it. I initially thought the vampire trend would quickly fade away, but it has gotten more pervasive in society, and vampire themed movies, TV shows, and books are exploding in popularity. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I would try the Vampire Effect.

I have the complexion for it unfortunately. The dearth of sunshine from this year’s New England’s Spring That Never Was, plus my long hours at the hospital, have left my naturally pale Irish skin crying out for a touch of sunlight. Plus, I deal with blood all the time in my work. Fortunately I don’t have to draw that much of it myself anymore, but I order it drawn, so that still counts right? I would be what every woman craves, her secret fantasy – the sensitive, yet slightly naughty, vampire.

I was wearing a dark shirt and slacks to enhance my hospital acquired pallor, and had forgone my usual Old Spice After Shave for that weird smelling, musky stuff I had gotten for Christmas seven years ago, but somehow never threw away. I wanted that ‘just arisen from my coffin’ scent that all true vampires must exude. I had even practiced my goofy Eastern European accent while driving to a new club I had heard about. Walrus had said there were lots of hot girls supposedly, all eager to copulate enthusiastically on a moments notice.

I walked into the dark club feeling more confident than usual. The music was pulsing. Tonight I was sure, the women would come to me.

I walked up to the bar, stood next to a lovely dark haired girl, and in a soft, yet commanding voice said to the bartender, “Mine dear fellow, I vould like eins Bloody Mary.” The barkeep gave me a strange look but immediately complied. Out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl turn towards me. I pivoted to face her and gave her a smile. She was indeed a beauty.

“Good evenink mine dear lady. May I purchase a drink for you also?” She smiled and nodded, almost as if she were caught off guard. I didn’t ask her what she wanted, just took charge.

“A nice dark red vine for ze lady. A Merlot please.” I handed her the full glass of dark liquid.

“I am,” geezz – who was I? I decided there were no Irish vampires, so I used the only non Irish name in my family lineage, my great grandfather from Germany. “I am Vilhelm. Ant you?”

“Lilith.”

I soon found myself back at her table and deep in conversation with Lilith and her very lovely roommate, Carmilla. As we conversed, I noticed that both girls seemed even more pale than I was, almost anemic looking. They mentioned they worked nights at a local nursing home, and slept during the day, so that explained the paper white complexion of each. Between numerous Bloody Marys and Merlots, the rest of our conversation went something like this:

“So Wilhelm, where do you work?”

“I am employed by ze hospital.”

“Oh what do you do?”

“Of course I verk in ze blood bank. By ze vay dear Carmilla,vat ist your blood type?”

“Uh B positive I think.”

“Ach, B positive?” I smiled broadly, “that ist very tastfu… um very nice.”

“Do you play sports Wilhelm?” asked the gorgeous Lilith.

Ach. Ja ja I play ze sport. Baseball is mine favorite. I was ze bat boy. Also, I play bat minton, although ve use real birds.”
 

“You have such an appealing accent Wilhelm, where are you from?”

“Mine country ist Romania.”

“Really? What part?”

Vell, mine family’s terror tory ist in Transylvania. Ve haf eins schmall castle.” I had decided I may as well be a rich vampire.

“You family has a castle? Does it have a moat?”

“Ja ja, ze moat, or graben, vas required to keep out ze peasants with pitchforks and torches ven zey ver … upset… vit mine ancestors.” Lilith and Carmilla were totally hooked.

As my tale grew in complexity I had a hard time keeping my Transylvania facts straight because I was a little foggy from the Bloody Marys, but they had a harder time detecting errors because of the Merlots, so we were even.

“Willy,” they were calling me Willy after a few drinks, “would you like to come back to our apartment for some coffee?”

Oh my Lord, was my ultimate fantasy about to come true? Two gorgeous women interested in me and asking me back to be with both of them? Could this really be happening? This vampire stuff was definitely working.

“Ahhh,” I said softly, “I of course love to, but ve must be sure I leave vell before sunrise.”

The lights were off, candles lit, and the music was soft and delightful, Michael Buble I think. As Lilith and Carmilla were changing, I gazed around the room which was very orderly with little feminine touches everywhere. I wondered what they were going to wear. In the club they were in sexy little dresses, so what could they possibly be changing into now? Tiny little nightgowns? Panties and a bra? Or maybe nothing at all? Yes, that would be nice. Nothing at all… I closed my eyes and tried to imagine them nude, but I got dizzy from the alcohol and had to sit down on the couch. ‘Thats it,’ I thought to myself, ‘I’m just gonna have to g

et used to drinking more.’

I heard a rustling sound, and opened my eyes to see the Lilith and Carmilla emerge from the bedroom in long, black lacy gowns. At first I thought they were fancy nightgowns, but soon realized they were actually formal gowns. A little voice inside my booze addled brain said something was not quite right, but they looked so good I ignored it.

They sat down on either side of me and cuddled up close. Lilith started kissing my neck while Carmilla softly nuzzled my cheek. Then, when each started gently stroking my thighs, I had such a manly reaction I felt I needed Anti-Viagra. I desperately needed to slow down my response or my cool Vampire image would be totally blown. I started thinking of baseball scores. When that didn’t work I thought of that sniveling surgical resident I really hated, the rodent-like Sheldon. It started to work, and I got more under control. Their hands were moving higher on my thighs as Carmilla whispered softly, “Willy?”

"Ja, mien liebchen?”

“Can you get us some blood from the bloodbank?”

“What? You want me to get blood?”

“Yes Willy, surely you understand our needs? It doesn’t even have to be fresh blood, it can even be outdated and about to be disposed of.”

Lilith bit my neck gently and moaned. It felt like an electric shock bursting through my nerve endings. Suddenly it all made sense. The two beauties with very pale complexions, the excessive interest in my goofy Vampire impersonation, and now the need for blood. I stood up quickly and headed for the door as they both held out their arms to me.

“Willy, Willy don’t leave us tonight…”

I got home and looked at my neck. Lilith had bitten down and caused a slight abrasion, and I washed and disinfected the area. As I got ready to sleep, my beloved bed looked somehow unappealing and extremely uncomfortable. I needed a good, solid wooden coffin to doze in…