The Hair

I had been drinking O’Douls, a non alcoholic beer, because I had clinic early in the morning. I have noticed that although I don’t get a buzz from drinking non alcoholic beer, I still have one problem that regular beer brings. Yup, I had to pee really bad, but I still had a ten minute drive to get home. I could pull over to the side of the road and pee in the woods, or grit it out and pee when I got home. I can make it, I can make it, I KNOW I can make it…

I got home and ran immediately to the john, unleashed my manly organ and let go. I had my eyes closed in relief when I realized I didn’t hear the usual splashing in the toilet sound, but more a splashing on the floor sound. Now a man knows that when he assumes the stance and holds on in the normal way, that he will  void into the john and not miss. I know, I know, it’s important to put the seat up if there is a lady in the house, and believe me, I  wish there was a good reason to put that seat up. Well anyway, I was in my usual stance, so the pee had to be going directly into the toilet right? I mean its physics! Something was radically wrong…  I looked quickly and noticed to my horror that my urine stream was neatly divided into two streams, each missing the bowl and hitting the floor on either side of the toilet!

You know how when people describe a near death experience they say their life flashed before their eyes and time seems to stand still? Well something similar happened to me then. I knew, instantly, that a crotchal hair had somehow lodged on just the critical spot at the end Mr Happy, and it was dividing my manly urine stream in half. Yes folks – I was experiencing every man’s worst fear – the dreaded V-PEE.

I also realized, instantly, that I could not just STOP because I had waited far too long on the drive home. My feverishly calculating brain concluded that I had two choices: first, try to get the hair off the end of my manly organ manually, which would be messy indeed; or second, I could push harder and blow that little bastard hair right off the end! I took a breath and bore down hard. No woman giving birth has ever bore down with greater effort. Dare I say not even a constipated elephant could have pushed harder. My manly stream could have put out a forest fire! The splashing sound on the floor increased to an ear splitting crescendo – and then suddenly I heard the reassuring sound of actual toilet splashes! I had l blown that little sucker right off and was now peeing normally. Success!!

Alas dear readers, although I had overcome great odds in blowing off that nasty hair, I was not totally successful. There was the problem of the semi flooded bathroom floor. Now where’s that mop?