Strokes

People need to feel that they are cared about – that what they do and who they are matters to those around them. Sometimes, the only way we know if what we do actually matters, is the feedback we get from those close to us. The famous psychologist, Eric Berne, the founder of the psychological school of Transactional Analysis, actually coined a name for such acts of recognition. He called them “Strokes.” As social beings we all need that feeling of recognition and appreciation, and we get it from strokes.

Perhaps the best way to understand a psychological stroke is to think of patting your dog – a little rub behind the ears or a pat on the back, and your dog is a happy creature. People are similar, although the strokes we need are of a different sort. Berne described several types of strokes: verbal or non verbal, positive or negative, and conditional or unconditional. Each time we acknowledge a person with eye contact or a smile, a pat on the back or a hug, we are giving them a non-verbal stroke.

It is important to remember is that in certain circumstances people, for example a child who is neglected or ignored, will often act out in a negative way. Psychologically, even a negative stroke (You naughty child!) is better than no stroke at all, because even a negative stroke acknowledges we exist, whereas if if we are ignored it’s like we do not exist at all.

Conditional Strokes are acknowledgements we give when someone does something for us and we say “Thank you,” or “Well done.”

The most important type of stroke, the Unconditional Stroke, is what the soul seems to need most of all. These are the strokes we get just because we are who we are, and they make us feel cherished and appreciated. Someone smiles just because we enter a room, we get a spontaneous hug, and of course the ultimate stroke – the unconditional “I love you.”

I think we all need strokes for being who we are, not always for what we do. After all, we are human beings, not human doings.

PenguinsWalkAmoungUs

November 9, 2009

RainbowGlitterWitch

*smiles* i wonder if that is why i pass out hugs and lots of love to everyone i care about, be it student, teachers, friends, anonymous bloggers.. *waggles my eyebrows and hugs you*

Many Roads

Very true 🙂

Not Perfect Yet

This is why I go around work all the time telling people to “stroke me” when I do something good. LOL

Chrys.

Nice entry. I have to remember to be more affectionate with my patients. With the H1N1 stuff floating around, I tend to hold back hugs and hand touches. Thanks for the reminder!

JeniDancer

Ah…must explain why one of my favorite songs is “Stroke” by Billy Squire 🙂

heatherette

Amen! I needed to hear this right now.

P.S. I’m learning about the other kind of strokes in a couple of weeks. Ugh. I’m on information overload. Let’s swap brains?!

=Bernard=

I think I understand this. What I also think is that there are people who need to be stroked and those that crave to be stroked. Sorry, I think I’m paraphrasing you here. As a child I came to understand that I wasn’t going to get any; consequently as an adult I don’t need to be stroked. I have found that my life is less burdened with the anxiety of wondering when I would receive the attention.

Woolgatherer

You are so right, and some of us are better at giving strokes than others. My youngest grandson is good at it…he’s the family hugger and just gives love to whover will accept it. I think he gets as much as he gives too.

Mitzie

November 10, 2009

We can live without a lot of things, but babies (as you know) can die without touch. Research has shown that stroking pets can lower one’s blood pressure. Strokes are essential to life. I remember years ago, knowing someone who had AIDS and what he missed the most was the comfort of touch. Every human being wants to be seen – really seen, to be acknowledged as existing. Imagine how many children do not get those strokes and how some of them go on in life to become the criminals who do not care about anyone else because no one ever cared about them. Imagine how much healing would go on in this world if we all gave – and received – the strokes we needed. And I can imagine how many strokes you give to your patients just by being the person you are. Healing doesn’t come from just drugs… it can come from the person who is the healer. Take care.

SweetAssV

different strokes for different folks … ok, that was lame. I like your writing 🙂

Kissywoo

Stroke for you-thanks!**

dragonlady

come, let me stroke you……..