Neck Nibbler
Nurses at the hospital are talking about Vampires. My female friends and relatives are talking about Vampires. In fact, most of the women I know seem to be fixated on Vampires. This weirdness is now exemplified in a new movie, Twilight. All the girls I know seem to have crushes on the lead character, some pale creature who also has the name Rob.
Last night I left the hospital and went home to relax and watch a little TV. On HBO was a series called True Blood, also about Vampires. I look at the cable listings of available movies in the ‘On Demand’ section, and about 25% of the current flicks are about Vampires. What exactly, is going on?
I have asked several girls what the big deal is, and they just grin at me shyly, and say something about how cute and brooding the fellow in Twilight is, and that male Vampires are so different and need rescuing, and that makes them appealing.
It seems the new breed of young male Vampires have developed a conscience, and selflessly try to resist nubile human female flesh, which of course makes human females even more desirous of the angst stricken pale male, yet noble, neck nibblers.
‘Ah,’ I thought to myself, ‘Vampires are the broken boys of the modern age. Looking pale and a little sickly, afraid of the daylight, yet naughty and a little dangerous in that special way. Women want to mommy them, cure them, and then take them home and cuddle them.’ That’s EXACTLY what I want a woman to do to me! Well – all that and some tender yet incredibly sensual loving – so I have begun planning! Yes, Dear Readers, soon you will be looking at the NEW ROB.
First, I will let my natural Irish skin tone show through. I will stay out of the sun and wind until I am even paler and more Caucasian than I am at this very moment, and that’s saying a lot because I am the most Caucasian guy I know. I’m Irish and German, and you do not get paler and thicker headed than that particular combination, except maybe a hybrid of a deeply depressed Swede and and anemic Finnish fellow.
Secondly, I will develop a brooding look. I am practicing my new broodiness in the mirror every day, but so far, I only seem to look slightly constipated, kind of like a Vampire in dire need of Ex-Lax instead of female hemoglobin. I promise to get my brooding look by next week.
Third, I am working on an Eastern European Accent. In the line at the hospital cafeteria, I say stuff like, “I vant der spezshul sauce on mine chili dogk.” I only eat stuff with red sauce on it.
Fourth and last, on my next date I will not try for the usual yet predictably boring good night kiss. Instead, I will make believe I’m about to kiss her good night, then dart off to the side and nibble her nuchal areas.
You know, I’m Irish and German, as well. And I’m already pale enough to be a vampire. Feel free to woo me with your vampy talents, Rob! 😛
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I’m 100% celt. you can nibble me anytime darlin wear that bathrobe…… ; )
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oh my GAWD!!! if you nibbled my neck i would be a puddle in your lap. seriously.. a bite to the neck short circuits my brain. nothing is more sexually tense than a man taking total control and having your very life in his hands. THAT is what turns millions of women and girls in to drooling 12 year olds over vampires.
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chicks do love to have their necks nibbled!
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Necks are sensitive areas. But vampire films make me cringe…~
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Sirona the Curmudgeon here! The danger of the supernatural is always compelling to young women, safe because it is unreal. Although I totally endorse neck nibbling, it is not a first date move. Be yourself, Rob: bright, funny, creative, compassionate, cool-headed, fun loving, sensitive, and principled. Brooding, wounded, asexual men are not what women really want. Curmudgeonly yours,
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I have also been puzzled by this wild vampire craze… and I am pale (Scottish-Irish-German), but I don’t think I could be a vampire…because who has seen a vampire with freckles?
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hummn.
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“…IÂ’m Irish and German, and you do not get paler and thicker headed than that particular combination, except maybe a hybrid of a deeply depressed Swede and and anemic Finnish fellow…” OMG! From there to the end I just couldn’t control my laughter! I swear I’m going to have to invest in a lap top just to read your entries. That way, I’ll know to just plop myself on the toilet before openingyour journal…might save a few puddles along the way…LOL!
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Y’know Rob it must be that you don’t have enough German, that broodie look should come naturally. Need a mentor? Hey, anything to help a pal.
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random: lmao @ the “brooding look”…good luck with that
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my friend, vampires are quickly departing from the limelight and dirty, sweaty, horseback-riding, facial-hair-yeilding australians are taking over. did you see a vampire win the title of Sexiest Man Alive? i think not. you’re better off trying to emulate the gorgeous hugh jackman than any blood-sucking teen heart-throb.
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It’s EDWARD!!!!!!!! (the vampire) I love him because he is a gentlement *sigh* Open some doors, carry some groceries and you would be mine 🙂
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You are truly insane.
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RYN: OMG! Pats are one of my favorite teams! I LOVE foot-n-ball. I guess, because I actually understand the game. Most women don’t, and I think that’s why they don’t like it.
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I think you’re going to have a bit of a problem with that vampirish thing with your Catholic background. Crosses are a no-no. Also hope you don’t like garlic. AND you are so right about that Irish-German mix of hardheadedness…you and I share the same combination of ancestrial heritage and I know of no one who is more stubborn than I. Hey, you could always try chocolate covered strawberrieson those dates, the juice from the strawberries, dripping down would go much better than catsup. Funny, whenever I go for lab work, I always joke with the techs and ask them how many vampires they have to feed today. Didn’t know you were one of them.
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yup, i also melt immediately when my boyfriend nibbles on my neck. he now knows this trick well and nibbles often, much to my pleasure. in the movie, the vampires all have old-fashioned names which make them sexier i think. so make sure to go by Robert instead of Rob. oh and make sure that while you are staying out of the light, you are also going to the gym a lot, because part of the appeal is the whole tall dark stranger who can stop skidding vans with their bare hands thing. 🙂 all in jest. but it’s a good idea!
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Loved High Fidelity – I’m such a geek, anyway! Just saw “Slumdog Millionaire” – great date movie, and if there is no date, it tells a great story in an interesting way: it is about life experience and life knowledge (as well as “destiny.”)
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you always manage to crack me up!
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I second all these comments…yup. I’ve been reading Ann Rice’s vamp books for years and just can’t seem to get enough vampire stores. ::sigh::
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I’m quite pale myself, which is a curse for a California girl. I was often asked, “Aren’t California girls supposed to be super tan, long legged and blonde?” Yes, I am none of these. I think it’s time for me to move to a new state. We could be roomies! Yes, then I could read you a story. :] Anyway, I’ve got to go study for my Pharmacology final now.
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ryn: oh yes, and when you do come for a visit, make sure to come in silently through the window and watch me while i sleep. because that clearly does not creep out girls AT ALL. 🙂
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Ha! You are too cute! If you haven’t read the books–and I’m sure you haven’t… lol then you just wont understand the fascination. Edward is a gentleman and has such evil tendencies, but has the power to control himself. It’s just really hot. It’s very cute that you are trying to be like Edward. And being a doctor… you’ll have plenty of access to blood… bwahaha
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You crack me up!!!
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Truly, I wish you only success and want to help…so.. considering that the Twilight Series was aimed at the 15 year old mind… May I suggest clipping coupons for Putt-Putt Golf? “Mine chili dogk” Goodness…you’re a scream!
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Hahaha…this entry had me cracking up, lol. LOL @ “‘Vampires are the broken boys of the modern age. Looking pale and a little sickly, afraid of the daylight, yet naughty and a little dangerous in that special way. Women want to mommy them, cure them, and then take them home and cuddle them.Â’” hehe…I think part of that may actually be true! lol
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Hey, Celtic Man, Do you know of Rachel Remen, MD? She is an oncologist. You might look her up! http://www.rachelremen.com/links.html With love,
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This may be a better link as an introduction to Remen’s work: http://www.commonweal.org/ishi/news/article.html
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all women want to mommy, cure, and cuddle all men. you don’t have to be a vampire to pull this off, but trust me, a little neck nibblin NEVER hurts!
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This is some funny shit! (But it’s also pretty freakin sad that there are so many dumb chicks that want “broken boys.”) Cheers!
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Vampires suck! You on the other hand rock! I can’t imagine any intelligent female not succombing to your neck-tasy moves. My guess is that you get more action than Bela Lugosi ever dreamed of. Keep writing dude as it keeps the rest of us inspired. Be well…Mr Man of the Celts…
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You wrote: They are certainly missing out on a good thing. Just my two cents… I reply: Yup! They are!
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ryn: hmm.. i think i’ll do that =)
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