My First Day
First days on a new job can be anxiety provoking, so I was nervous as left my new apartment for the thirty minute drive to my new hospital. The sun was just rising and the June morning promised to be bright and warm. I played a CD of my favorite acoustic music and was soon mellowing a bit as I drove down the rural road. As the second song ended, a huge glop of bird droppings landed squarely on my windshield, partially obscuring my view of the road. I activated my windshield washer control, but there was no fluid left and the wipers just streaked the goo, completely obliterating my view of the road as I drove eastward into the morning sun. I pulled over and looked through my car for any usable fluids or cans of soft drinks but there were none.
So there I was, on my way to my new job, unable to drive because some loose-boweled avian avenger had dive bombed my windshield. I was on a rural road with no one around. I ask you dear reader, what would you do?
OF COURSE! As any red blooded, resourceful, masculine, manly man would do, I decided to pee on the windshield to clean the mess the natural way.
I put my wipers on high speed to get rid of the goo faster, stood by the side of the car, whipped out Mr Happy and aimed a stream at my windshield.
Rob’s First Law of Urine Aerodynamics
Never pee on the windshield as you stand to the side of an automobile with high speed wipers
A hard lesson indeed! I quickly moved two steps to my left. I am proud to say that I managed to keep my aim true during this process. The offending bird goo was being rapidly cleansed. It was at this moment I heard a soft, yet giggly feminine voice say, “Inventive way to clean the old windshield huh, Rex?”
Rob’s Second Law of Urine Aerodynamics
It is impossible to hit on a cute girl who has caught you peeing on your own windshield
A soft, but very unrehearsed, “OH GOD”, then escaped my lips. I stowed Mr Happy back to his home in my boxers, zipped up, and sheepishly turned around to see a pretty woman and her massive black Labrador Retriever watching me from ten feet away. I felt I had to do two things:
First, let her know I wasn’t some kind of degenerate, and second, explain what I was doing.
“Oh, this is embarrassing,” I stammered, “you see I’m on my way to the hospital and this bird did a gigantic mess on my windshield.”
“Yea, I kind of gathered that.” She looked me over carefully. “What do you do at the hospital?”
“Well actually I’m on the medical staff.”
She started laughing, and I was so embarrassed I laughed along with her. “So,” she said as her eyes twinkled, “Are you a Urologist?”
It’s really unfair that you have such a useful auto care tool attached to your body. Bird shit? No problem. Overheating? Simple. I bet you could have also used it to refill your windshield washer fluid. ryn: Please do! 🙂 My aunt was showing me pictures and it’s just… crazy. I really want to go visit and spend days building a massive snow fort and having snowball fights with random neighborhood children.
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glad you weren’t just pissin in the wind ; )
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Oh dear, my imagination just runs wild with possible zingers. I will however just leave that to your female fans, whose imaginations and sense of humor are more wicked then mine.
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You’re back!! We missed you… ~
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Yayyy, you’re back! Love the story so much!! =)
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Oh you definitely have to hit on her. She’s quick and cute and carries protection. Are you still in the NE? Wish I could have convinced you to come to TX. I need a (free or willing to barter for services) pulmonologist. 🙂
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omg that is priceless. *giggles* I LOVE YOUR STORIES!
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I am so happy you’re back; I have missed your writings, IMMENSLY! You seem to always have interesting meetings with women-your life certainly isn’t boring, is it?
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This was an AWESOME story, and damn it makes me wish I was a man if only for the convenience of instant washer fluid.
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Is it possible you are living in a state that doesn’t have snow on the ground? I’ve used it to clean off my windshield in an emergency when I’ve run out of wiper fluid. BTW…. this story was definitely worth waiting for. Glad you’re back and writing again.
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LMAO! This entry made me laugh out loud, seriously, but I have several follow up questions: 1) Why were your washers empty?? That’s important stuff, you should keep them filled up! 2) Can guys really just pee on command? Cos for a girl, you need to have to go in the first place but it seems like guys can just choose when to pee. Oh, I’m bored and by a tree.. guess I could pee on it… whizz…
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Also have soaked myself with my own non-pee windscreen wiping on frosty mornings when I’ve poured a bottle of water over the windscreen – you only do it once before you learn! love the urologist comment 😀
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you do realize, i’m sure, the main reason she continued to talk to you was because she had the opportunity to clearly witness your, uh, “red-blooded resourcefulness.”
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haha. The windshield washer on my car is broken.. very hard to drive now.
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ryn: he gave me fioricet, zofran (holy christ i pretty much need TEN POUNDS of this stuff, for the rest of my life. mike introduced me to it yeeeeeears ago [whit’s mom had cancer], because both he and i are the queasiest people on earth, and anyway – GOD. love. so much love. love, love, love!) and then he told me that sinus infections are viral and antibiotics wouldn’t do much, but if i wanted some i should go see my regular doctor. and then he just kind of…vanished. like, no “okay, you’re done, go away” or anything. one second he’s there, the next he’s – talking to people who legitimately need his time and attention, apparently. stupid, asshole doctor, more interested in saving lives than dealing with my reeeeeally annoying headache. what a jerk.
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Oh, cute and smart-assed. I like her. Glad to see you back!
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We are certainly glad you’re back. And at a new job! Blessings on you, healing man!
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I can’t believe guys can pee on command – girls can’t. Or at least I can’t and haven’t known any other girls who can. Either you need to go, or you don’t. If you don’t, you can’t force it! If you do, you can hold it a while but it isn’t nice to do so. So do guys constantly feel like they need to pee or is your physiology such that you can just hold it there ready for any perfect time??
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LOL! I saw it coming… only because in my own stupidity I did the same thing with a water bottle I was fortunate to find in my car. Who’d have thunk that the wipers would swish that fluid off to the SIDE? It’s not rocket science! :-p
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OMG! I have MISSED you! I have tears streaming down my face. This is just too funny! Welcome, back, BTW 🙂
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Ryn: Haha! Nooo, never. 😛 You have a good weekend too! I hope you don’t mind I added you to my friends list.
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Oh, well aren’t you charming. 🙂
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WRRRRIIIIIITE SOOOOMEEEEETHIIIIIING! JESUS CHRIST, MAN.
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yup, trying to challenge myself towards emotional intimacy. i realise that i wasn’t truly emotionally intimate with my ex husband. i want my partner to be free, yet intimate with me.
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I don’t know… I think there’s a potential for at least a first date out of that one! At least you’d have the most interesting “How we met” story… =D RYN: Thank you… Both for your advice and for posting an entry that made me smile. I needed that.
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I have not read you in a while, but as always when I come back there is something fantastic to read and I ask myself why I have not been reading you more! Thanks for the giggle. 🙂
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Funniest thing I have read in awhile !!! Thanks !!!
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Terribly hilarious! It sounded like the perfect intro to a movie with some quirky music playing in the background. Wow…what an exciting life you must lead =)
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You order me to “come back” and yet I do to find you strangely absent. Loved the above though, incredibly funny…. damn the avian avengers. 🙂
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You come back, and then disappear again. Most definitely not fair! (hope you’re ok). Take care.
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You are missed. I wish you’d come back to stay. Hope life is treating you gently. Take care.
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🙂
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Checking in via BB. In this new wired world, I wonder how many of us have shifted to FB and Twitter …. Miss our community, but especially want to say how pleased I am that you’re done with your schooling and working!!! Love and well-wishes ….
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Oh gosh. Great story.
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Come out, come out, wherever you are!!!
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Oh wow, that looks really good, I’ll definitely have to check it out. Thanks! Historical fiction is probably my favorite genre anyways. I’m trying to think if there’s a good one I can recommend back… I haven’t read this one yet but I’ve heard it’s awesome: The Serpent and the Rainbow I believe? It’s about the escaped slaves in Hispanola and how they make zombies. For real. We talked about it inmy last Anthro class… Talk about fascinating! Didn’t mean to guilt you into updating but … Yay! 😛
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