Locked In Part II

I get tired out if I blink too much, so my eyelids were taped shut. I was in the dark and I had an itch in the middle of my back. It had been nagging me for an hour at least, yet I was powerless to scratch it. I was trying to ignore it, so to distract myself I thought about my wife and my son, I thought about my job, I even thought about that new secretary at work with the gorgeous posterior, but the damned itch kept intruding into my thoughts like a nail in my knee.

I then heard a mellow masculine voice near me. The voice was soothing in some indefinable way. He knew enough not to talk too loudly, unlike some of the staff who thought because I was paralyzed that I was also deaf. He introduced himself and said he was going to check my lungs, but first he was going to remove the tape over my eyes and put in the drops. He was gentle and sure handed, and soon I could see him as he leaned over me. Younger than he sounded, brown hair and blue eyes. A serious face until he smiled and said hi. I gave the signal with my good eye, looking up to say hi back. I noticed my nurse Becky standing next to him. She was one of the good ones, and I would have smiled at her if I could.

“Are you in any pain Mr J?” The new man, Rob, asked.

I looked up. A terrible itch qualifies as a pain doesn’t it? He asked me questions as he pointed to a drawing of a man’s body. He narrowed it down to my mid back pretty quickly and said he would check it as he listened to my lungs.

Becky leaned me forward while he listened to my back. My arms flopped awkwardly, rag doll like, as she leaned me over. I just hate that.

Rob said I had a small red mark from a crease in the sheet, and he would scratch it for me if I wanted. I looked up, and Becky saw it and nodded. He actually scratched my back, and at last, at long last, the insanely persistent itch went away. Because of the trach and being on the ventilator I couldn’t even say thank you. I felt so helpless, so useless. I needed someone else’s assistance for the smallest task, I felt I was imprisoned, being punished for something I must have done. But what offense could justify this punishment? Was it possible that God was just bored and wanted to see how I would react to this?  At least when a cruel boy pulls the wings off a fly he kills it afterwards. Where was God’s mercy?

“Mr J, I’m gonna take you off the vent and give you a few deep breathes with the Ambu bag ok?”

Look up.

He took off the ventilator tubing and then connected the breathing bag to my trach tube. He squeezed, and I felt like I had my first really deep breath since all this started. I looked up, he squeezed again. I was so nice just to take a deep breath, a real treat. My head felt clearer somehow. He explained that though I was on the ventilator, putting in a few deep breaths by hand with the bag would keep my lungs healthier, and told the nurse to do it twice a shift.

“As long as I’m here, any questions or anything you need Mr J?”

I looked up, so Becky came over with the alphabet board. She would point to letters, and I would look up when she pointed to the one I wanted. That way, I could spell out words, but it took such a long time, going through all the letters each time.

Becky pointed to the board, one letter at a time :

ABCD look up D

ABCDEFGI look up I

ABCDE look up E

Becky caught her breath, almost like she choked on something. Rob leaned over and looked into my good eye. He seemed calm yet very sad.

“I can’t feel what you are feeling Mr J, all I can do is try to understand. In some ways I don’t blame you for feeling such despair, your life is totally changed now. But Mr J, you still have life, can you give it just a little bit longer with us?”

I wouldn’t do it. I would not look up.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, and a low voice say softly,

“I understand.”