Come for the Ride

I wonder how what I see from day to day, the life and death struggles, the suffering, and even the courage of patients, has changed me. I know that I don’t take things for granted anymore. I know that lives can change in an instant. A bit of inattention while driving, that lump you just noticed, or that vague pain you have had for two months that now just really hurts. Suddenly life is different.

Sometimes I’m the witness. Patients come into the ER and I survey the damage and our eyes meet and we both know things will never be the same. Sometimes I’m the messenger, and have to say things no one wants to hear, things that most people should not ever have to hear. At times I wonder how I do it, how I find the correct words and the proper facial expression – but I manage it, and I often bring comfort and encouragement to people when they need it most.

Arriving home, I consciously try not to think about what happened at the hospital. I think of things like – what chord would come next in the song I’m writing, or how my beloved Red Sox will do playing the evil Yankees. I go for long runs and let the burning of my legs somehow cleanse the images I have brought home in my mind.

I think that’s why I didn’t write here for such a long time. It brings things back, I have to relive them as I write. I feel the emotions again, sometimes even stronger than when the events were happening.

So yes, my work has changed me. Sometimes I feel heavier, I feel sadder, and feel like I carry a burden. Then I sleep, and upon awakening I know that on the average I make a difference, I change lives for the better, I help people deal with trauma and pain, that what I do matters to people in desperate trouble.

I think I’m going to share more here on Open Diary. Tell the good and the bad, the sad and the hilarious, the smart and the bonehead things I do and see while performing the work of trying to heal. It’s gonna be a ride….

floating ghosts

August 1, 2011

it’s about goddammed time, kid. also: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!! FINALLY!!!

Sirona

You were called to and chose to accept a difficult calling. We love your stories because they are so human, but we also are your virtual community. We are behind you and beside you as you make a difference. We add our prayers to yours, mourn, celebrate, and wonder. You remind me of Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. You, too, will not only make a difference to many of your patients but will changemedicine/society for the better!

Jinn

Good ! I found out the hard way that Life changes in an instant…

Looking

I would LOVE to ride with you! Like many here, I too have missed sharing a small part of your world. I do hope that writing here will, at some point, be cathartic and cleansing rather than a reliving of the painful event(s). Thank you for asking me to take this ride with you; I am honoured!

=Bernard=

Mitzie

August 2, 2011

There has not been a story that you have told that I have not enjoyed reading. You DO make a difference in people’s lives. You meet people when they are at their most vulnerable and I think, that at least for myself, I vicariously feel as if you are treating those I care about with compassion. Your stories ease my own heart and heal me. I love that you are so human with the people you interact with… it’s what I would want from my own doctor. I understand about not wanting to live things over again and again. I sometimes experience the same thing working in a funeral home and yet, I believe it is cathartic to tell the stories so they don’t dwell within. By sharing them, you receive support here on OD and it hopefully helps you heal as well. Facing death and disease day after day is hard and painful work, so it’s good to intersperse it with humor from time to time. So….. what’s the latest boneheaded thing you’ve done? Come on, you know you want to tell us (grin).

JeniDancer

You are an incredible individual. And an inspiration. Welcome back 🙂

flat whites & whiskey

I’m glad you’re ready to share 🙂

dragonlady

The NFL season is salvaged, the debt ceiling is raised, and Celticman is writing again. All is right with the world. I’ve missed you a great deal, kinsman.

Pleasantly_Twizted

August 3, 2011

I think that is what OD is best for. Unload your burdens and let others carry them for a while.

RainbowGlitterWitch

August 4, 2011

i am so very happy to see you back here rob, with your stories and your boxers and your humanity. we love it all. *hugs you lots and lots* MUAH

Sprog

August 6, 2011

I’m glad you’re back, although I understand why you felt the need to go away. You have been missed.