Things are going….

Wonky for a lack of a better word. Life in itself is fine, work is going great, school is decent (a bit more on this later) and I’m doing okay in the single life, meaning that I like myself and have ample things to keep myself busy and amused.

 

However, I find myself dragging my feet on my current class and outside of the last post and a read for a friend I haven’t worked with my cards in two weeks.

 

So yesterday I decided to rearrange the front room, to make room for the new baby bed….when I moved the couch I found 4 cards out of one of my decks. Now the last time I used that deck was for a read for a friend, and I know I didn’t drop any of the cards… 4 of wands in light, king of wands in light, the devil in light and the 9 of pentacles in shadow. Basically telling me that I am blocking my success, my growth. I returned the cards to their deck and put it away. But the message was enough to get me thinking about self sabotage.

Went to bed, slept on it and had some pretty strange dreams. Got up this morning and started on some house work and then just vegged out. Kept looking at my card bag and my computer bag, but telling myself one more day won’t hurt. Which in the timing of school, the couple weeks of avoidance isn’t a total loss… I was 7 weeks ahead so still have plenty of time to get this class finished and still start the next one earlier than scheduled. But I think if I let this spiral, that I will be indulging in self-sabotage and I really don’t know why.

 

Incomes spirit…. yelling at me and giving me the insight that I need… but before I grabbed the decks that were calling to me, I got a lovely live score update from my phone… see this time last year, I was watching football a lot more…because it was something Tony loved and we would either watch the games together, or we’d talk about it. Mainly him explaining things to me, but yanno it was something we could do together. So of course he was brought to the front of my brain. I will have to go and fix the update thing so I don’t get them.

 

Cards kept catching my eye, so I decide to do the daily contemplation spread… well spirit had other ideas… started shuffling and the 8 of voices (swords) popped out… I put it back in the deck… shuffled a bit more and the same card popped out. So “pay attention” lol… so the gist of the card meaning is feeling stuck, believing there is no other choice, no way out….. the underlying reason of the self-sabotage.

 

The other deck that grabbed my attention was my Elle Qui deck. It’s an oracle deck and each card is a woman who has different attributes. Each card comes with questions to contemplate… so figured I would answer them here and see how I feel by the end of this entry…

 

Desiree “she who yearns” keywords: yearn, longing, pine for

 

How far away is the thing I long for?

– two years

Are my goals realistic?

-yes

 

Am I giving up too much or not enough?

-i think in the beginning, the first 2 courses, I threw myself into the class work and ignored the rest of life (outside of work hours)

 

What is the balance?

-i’ve got to find a balance between school, work and downtime

 

Hannah “she who listens” keywords: understanding, witness, compassion

 

Who will listen to me without judgment?

-Jami, Becca and my friends on here

 

What tales of mine need telling?

-i am assuming because of the football reminder there is more I need to write about with Tony.

 

How can I release the stories of my inner self?

-journaling and talking with Jami & Becca

 

Kamala “she who emerges” keywords: enlightenment, mindfulness, rise up

 

How do I feel right now?

-a little tired and stressed…. a little confused as well

 

What is the value to me of being present?

-worrying about the past won’t help me move forward and obsessing over the future will just add stress to me now

 

How can I cultivate more mindfulness?

-meditation

 

Estafenia “she who surrenders” keywords: chains, bandage, release

 

Am I surrendering to old pain or releasing it?

-i honestly thought I had released it. But it is coming up to the year mark where everything started falling apart and changing.

 

If I could write a letter to one person, who hurt me, what would I say?

-i’ve written a lot over the last 10 months in my journals but maybe I should write him a letter, even though sending it would do me little good.

 

What chain link can I break today?

-i’m not sure.

 

Maputla “she who guides” keywords: new path, guide, renewal

 

In what ways am I open to guidance?

-card work, dreams, advice from my friends

 

Where am I heading and how do I change that?

-if I continue with the self sabotage I will not succeed in bettering my life. Not that the life I have is horrible, I just want to be able to change professions. The only way to change the path of self sabotage is to listen to spirit and find the balance in all areas of my life, including down time.

 

What can I do today to give myself space and quiet?

-meditation

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So here I am, having to be up in 2 hours for a kiddo to be dropped off… not sleeping because this has my head spinning. I think I will be okay.

•I’ve got to get back on track with my class because graduating is what I need to do to change professions.

• I need to get what I want to say to Tony out of my head, so I can truly let go and release that from my life.

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Any suggestions or something you think i’ve missed?