Your mouth should be quiet…

Well. My day started off shitty.

Midnight rolls around. Start getting tired. Go to wash my face. No hot water. Go to the basement to check the water heater. Leaking everywhere. Puddles splattering on my bare feet. Water rushing down the metal siding, concrete walls. Somehow it manages to put me in some sort of trance. I snap back to reality. Go upstairs to tell my dad. He yells. He blames me. Asks what the fuck I did to it. Why I broke it. He blames me. He blames me. HE BLAMES ME. Again. Then I flash back to the fire. He blames me… I apologize for ruining everything. Go to bed. Toss and turn the rest of the night. He apologizes in the morning.

Work started out fine. No immediate priorities? No problem. Spend the morning with nine little bundles of innocence. Why can’t we all stay so pure. Untouched by the ugliness of the world? Why does the world have to taint everyone in it as they age?

The afternoon drags by. Miss Jessica is pissed off because she hasn’t gotten her way for the second day in a row. Work is short staffed, seeing as one of the teachers is out due to the fact that her son is in the hospital for attempting suicide. Jessica makes it known how furious she is that April has not been in. My tongue dances behind my lips. The venom and poison rise in my throat. It takes everything in me not to go off on her. Stay civil. Remain professional. That’s all I can do.

School age arrives. It’s crazy. The children won’t listen. I can barely keep my head on straight. How long has it been now since I’ve heard from John? Hours… Does he even want me anymore? What is he doing? Why don’t I matter…

Megan is outside at 5:30. Tim is there. Kit Kat is in the backseat. Is that Brady? Do a double take. Feel your heart sink, shatter, smolder to nothing all over again. Let the emptiness consume you. That’s all you have right now.

Up the driveway. Out of the car. Mom cries, she misses him so much… Go in the house. Pack for the three day weekend of rock and roll I’ve been looking forward to for so long. Flash back to the day I moved out. The way I went about it. How horribly I hurt my mom. My dad. Megan. Jessi. Brett. I ruined this family. I know deep down, that I am the reason nothing will ever be right here anymore. Basket case, suicidal and overly emotional daughter. Who wouldn’t be on their toes around her constantly?

Spend time with Becca. Drive aimlessly. Talk. Share ideas on upcoming tattoos we would like. 

Come home. Sit in my room. Relive moments, memories. Ponder. Pause, Replay. Pause. Repeat. I’m a victim of my own self conscious. Locked behind the bars, longing to escape. Longing to be free. Longing to feel again. Feel pain. What I wouldn’t give for even the lightest trickle of crimson…Take off the makeup. Erase the mask. Feel disgust with the image staring back at you in the mirror. You are nothing… A big, worthless, fat, ugly nothing.

Lye in bed. Ponder life. Choices. Mistakes. Play the "What If" game…

What if I finally had the courage? Wouldn’t it be awfully pretty?

<3CaseyRenee<3