So I’m gonna be depressing here. Apologies.

So… 

I don’t really even know where my head is at right now to tell you the truth. I’ve been somewhere else all day, and I just don’t know what to do.

John hasn’t been talking to me much the past few days. I feel like he has finally gotten bored of me. Or that he’s finally opened up his eyes and realize that I fucked him over BAD and he can do SO much better… And I can’t stay there this weekend. He feels like he has me over too much for Bill and Tina, which I totally understand, really I do, but with how I’ve been feeling, that scares me even more… I’m so scared I’m going to lose him… I can’t lose this one. I just can’t…

Today I spent some time with Tori. She asked if I wanted food and when I told her no she said I can’t starve myself… She asked me if it’s a bad thing that she makes me eat, and I told her that if she didn’t make me, then I never would… I HATE my body. My figure. My face. Everything. I feel disgusted when I look in the mirror… I think I’m going to get myself on a diet, and find a gym that I can start going to to work out. The Y is close to where I live, so I could see about getting a membership there. And I’m really going to work. I want to like what I look like when I see myself in the mirror…

Tomorrow Tori and I are going to Andy’s so I can get my hips pierced. This is something I’ve been wanting for a really long time. Like, really long. I’m not sure how much it’ll be, but Andrew told me "I PROMISE I’ll take good care of you darlin" so that made me feel good. It’s nice having a tattoo shop to go to where everyone knows you and is always so nice. I love the Andy’s Tat2 Crue. So much.

I’m pretty sure I’m going to spend my weekend getting shit face wasted with Tori. I know, it’s bad, but I’ve been so depressed this week, that I think that’s gonna be the only thing that will help, seeing as I don’t really know if I get to see John. I told him to come visit if he wanted to, but we’ll see.

Tomorrow’s payday. Woo.

Next Thursday is when me, Mom and Megan all get our tattoos. Looking forward to the needle.

I don’t even know. I just want to cry. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow at all. I feel so sick from eating it’s not even funny. Yea. That’s been happening lately too. I know how disgusted I am with my body, and then I eat, and then I want to puke because I’m just adding more pounds… I don’t know… I feel sick. I’m upset. I’m a mess. I just want to be gone.

<3CaseyRenee<3