Little pink houses for you and me…

 It’s been a little bit since I last wrote. There has just been too much on my mind and it’s been impossible to sort it all out…

Monday morning. We’ll start there. Sunday night Gino texted me saying that he was leaving in the morning. That he needed more money. Asked me if I was still willing to give him a hundred. Of course I was willing. I’d give him all the money in my pockets if it meant he was able to get by for a while. But I know he would never let me. So he came over Monday morning with his friend/band member Steven. They came inside. Came upstairs. Sat on my bed while I got ready for work. Gino took pictures of me doing my makeup. Told me he needed something to help him remember. That made me worry… He’s going to forget all about me… He gave me a hug and we just stood there for a while. Of course I started crying. This was real. This was happening. This was goodbye. They left at 8 and he told me to stay strong again. Told me he loved me more than anyone. Told me it would be okay. No sooner than I closed the door did I fall to the floor and scream. "FUCK!" My voice cracks and my entire being is shattered. Work was horrible.

Tuesday morning. "The car rolled six times across the highway. There’s no way we should be alive right now. But we are. We’re carefree." Every inch of me shakes. He says he’s cut up. That his head hurts. Refuses to go to the hospital. I’m so worried about you Gino. You promised me. PINKY PROMISED that you would be safe. What the fuck are you doing!? He tells me he has to go. I tell him I love him and ask him to think of me and be safe. I don’t get a reply. I worry even more. You’re not going to think of me for a second now that you’re gone… Work is slow. Painful. Damn near impossible while I try keeping the contents of my stomach inside.

Wednesday is… It’s okay. I get through the day, hard as it was not to kill little kids. But I get through the day.

John. Still perfect. Still so fucking perfect. And so just… So respectful toward me. He told me the day he will have sex with me is when we’re living together. And seeing as we don’t know when that’s going to happen, it says a lot about him. To me it says "I will wait as long as I have to to be certain that everything is perfect the first time we make everything real. Complete." He and I have never had sex. I think I’m more nervous than I was the night I lost my virginity… I just don’t want to be disappointing… We talk for hours every night. I wouldn’t want it any other way. And the things he says to me. How he describes his love for me. It’s astounding and beautiful and heartfelt and beyond anything I could ever picture myself having.

I’m sick. My throat is killing me and my body feels like it’s falling to pieces a little more every single day. It hurts, and I just want it to stop.

Jacob spent time with me Monday evening. Told him I was going for a walk. Going somewhere to clear my head. He knew exactly where I would be. We hung out, drove around, listened to music and just talked about shit. I don’t know what possessed him to come see me, but it was nice to not be alone. And it’s even better that he knows me so well that he can tell exactly what’s on my mind without me even saying a word. If that’s not a great friend, then I don’t know what is.

Today is Independence Day. John has work and I feel bad for him. Though today should be good. Mom and I went shopping and she got me six pack of blueberry lemonade Smirnoff and a six pack of cranberry lemonade Mike’s. So thank you mommy for getting me the best poison in the world. John asked me not to drink too much tonight, but something tells me a majority of those drinks will be gone tonight. And since the only time I get hungover is when I drink vodka, I should be good. Hopefully. I just want to numb the pain for a while… I’m so tired of hurting.

Tomorrow, John and his mom are coming to pick me up and then I’m spending the weekend with him. I can’t wait. It’s been nearly two weeks since I’ve seen him last and it’s been ripping me apart almost as much as Gino leaving… Though I’m really nervous about meeting his mom. I have stupid anxiety problems where when I meet new people I can’t breathe… It’s fabulous. And apparently in a couple of weeks he and I are staying at his moms house for the weekend and going to Maquoketa Caves to do some adventuring. I’m really looking forward to that I won’t even lie. It sounds like so much fun. Let’s just hope there’s not a lot of climbing… I’m not the most coordinated person in the world… 

Tori comes home on Monday, and I couldn’t be more excited for that. I miss her so much, and it’s been driving me crazy not being able to drive around with her talking about everything in the world and feeling like I’m accepted. I miss my best friend. I miss everything about her. That girl and I have seriously become closer than we ever have been in a matter of like 2 months. It’s insane. She’s coming over Monday when I get off work and we’re going to hang out. I’m so excited. I can’t wait to see her.

Well. We have fireworks in Rockford tonight, so I’m pretty excited for that. I love sky fires.

Guess that’s all for now. I’m gonna go have myself a drink. Blueberry or Cranberry… Hmmmm. Such hard decisions…

<3CaseyRenee<3