Just give me a reason…
Well. I finally did it. I read through all of my diary entries with just a few minor breakdowns and sicknesses. I feel accomplished. I’m amazed at how much I’ve changed, and at the same time; how much I haven’t.
This weekend has been wonderful. For the most part.
Friday night Brett and I threw our party. It was me, Keegan, Joey, Andy, Nick, Brett, Katie, Katherine, Shannon and Michael. We all got pretty toasted that night. Katherine I think, threw up all over my brothers bed, so I was nice and cleaned it all for him that night. I went upstairs to run away from Keegan because he was trying to beat me with my brother’s flip flop, and he and Kolb (Michael) fuckin followed me to my room haha. We just hung out in my room listening to music, looking at pictures of old cars on facebook and I introduced them both to To Write Love On Her Arms. I love informing people of the movement that saved my life. Keegan left around five or so in the morning, then Kolb and I just sat on my roof talking about shit. Our jobs, our lives. That fun stuff. He left around 7 I think. Then I went to bed.
Woke up Saturday morning around 11 and had to clean up from the night before. That was fun. I also cleaned up the vomit that was on his carpet. He’s lucky I’m such a good little sister. He also almost started our fucking compost pile on fire, so that was really scary. We took care of that quick though thanks to me hauling ass in the house to get a bucket of water.
Saturday evening Brett took me to John’s house around 4 or so. I got there and everything was just fucking perfect. It was so great to see him and be with him after the week I’d had. I missed him so much. We spent some time upstairs in his room. Cuddling and being how two people in love should be. After a while, Shane and Chaz came upstairs and told John to go with them to play basketball. He gave me a sweater and a pair of his sleep sweats to wear and we were off to Rockford. I wandered around in the field by the courts for a while, then sat down and watched the game. John slipped a couple times, and it was so funny haha. I was slightly hung over that day, and my head would not stop pounding. We came home and relaxed in his room. Animal had a couple friends over, and they all busted in the bedroom and Animal kept asking if John got his desert yet… Insider haha. We got onto this whole conversation about sex and birth control and virginity and shit. ‘Twas pretty interesting. They all left and just when I was about to get all snuggled up to John again they busted in and Animal gave me a box and I opened it and there was rose petals and candles and a strawberry flavored condom in it and she started throwing the rose petals on me saying John had it for romance bahahaha. I couldn’t help but laugh. It was just hilarious. They left and John and I got all cuddled up again. After a while we started doin some stuff and welp. We had sex guys. It wasn’t for a super long time because I’m not on birth control and he didn’t have any condoms since Animal blew them all up one day haha. But my goodness. It was perfect. He was so gentle and just… I’ve never had that before. Ever. It was the most perfect thing I’ve ever felt… We fell asleep around 2 or 3 in the morning.
Woke up the next day because John had to go to work. I was up for a little while after he left, then passed the fuck back out after wrapping myself in his blanket. Smells like him<3 Went downstairs around noon and took a shower. Then I hung out in the living room with Tina and Taylor just talking. We were all watching movies and whatnot, and thennnn it was naptime haha. We all passed the fuck out. John came home around five and we hung out downstairs talking with everyone. Then we went back up to the bedroom and he took his shirt off and I was dragging my fingertips up and down his back and he fell asleep. I loved it 🙂 I love him<3 Tee took me home around 8, and I felt sick as soon as he got back in the car… Separation anxiety fucking sucks…
Mom was up for a little while after I got home. She went to bed and I went to my room and found a little bag on my bed that had a note. "From mom and dad with love." She got me a really cool new lanyard and I LOVE it. It’s all tripdiculous and such. Sunday night was horrible. I spent my night in and out of the bathroom trying not to puke… It was fuckin fabulous. And seeing as I hadn’t eaten anything since Thursday, I was just dry heaving anyway… It was tons of fun…
Last night I couldn’t stay asleep to save my fucking life. I kept waking up, and I woke up an hour before my alarm went off WIDE AWAKE. It sucked. SO bad. Still felt really sick. Still dry heaving. So Work was fun… We went swimming today and I didn’t even go anywhere near the pool. I sat myself down on my lawn chair thing and just layed there dying. My face got burned and now it hurts.
Tonight I decided to go for a walk and Kolb wanted to show me his bike so I told him where I was walking and got to Andy’s and saw my friend De Jay just kickin it outside. Holy blast from the past that was. He stood up all fast and gave me this huge hug and we just stood there talking. It was so damn good to see him again. I haven’t seen him in so long. Then he gave me another hug randomly. He was so happy to see me. Made me smile. Made me smile even more to see that he’s doing so well. Got a baby on the way. Granted it’s with this stupid cunt that I hate, I’m happy for him. He’s so excited. It’s awesome. Kolb came and me, him, De Jay and his friend all just stood outside talking for a few hours. It was nice. De Jay and dude were going to a friends house and walking the same way as me so I said bye to Kolb and walked with them till the end of my street and said goodbye. De Jay gave me another huge hug and told me to hit him up sometime.
Now I’m sitting in bed. I still feel sick to my stomach. Honestly, it isn’t just the separation anxiety making this happen. And I know it’s not. I’ve been this way since Sunday. Something Tina said this weekend has not left my head since she said it… I can’t stop thinking about it and it’s just making me sick… It’s repeating in my head over and over again and it’s tearing me apart…
I need to go wash my face. Get ready for bed.
<3CaseyRenee<3