I won’t be pushed aside. I will be heard…

 So. This is going to be a very long entry. I apologize in advance Dear John.

Where to begin. Saturday I believe?

John and Shai came and picked me up Saturday evening. The drive was perfect. Windows down, music playing, smiles and laughter filling the air. Put on my favorite Sleeping With Sirens song. John was singing along. I melted. I’ve told him the story. How I made it OUR song in my head when we first got close. How perfect it was to see he knew all of the words. How amazing… Can’t even begin to describe it… When we got to John’s he and I went to his room to put my bag upstairs and then sat in the little hidden family room thingy and watched T.V. It was fabulous. I could be sitting in the pitch darkness with not a sound and I could be perfectly happy as long as I was next to him. I got to meet everyone. It was kind of crazy. I couldn’t breathe. I was petrified. Sissy came in first. She seemed nice enough. We talked for a while, and she was giving John so much shit for not ‘officially’ asking me to be his girlfriend. He said he had his reasons. I know what they are. He’s scared. Scared I’m going to leave again. Scared I’m going to rip him apart. Scared I’m going to break him to pieces and leave him wondering what went wrong all over again… I know that’s what it is. And honestly, I can be perfectly happy with not ‘officially’ being his girlfriend. I’m his and he’s mine and that’s all that matters. I don’t need a label to know where my heart is and who it belongs to. I met Animal and Tina and Bill. They’re all nice. Animal was real quiet. She seems nice enough though. And Tina. Oh goodness she’s somethin else haha. She freaked about my gauges. It was hilarious. I guess I’m just someone you never forget, because they were all so quizzical about all of my piercings and tattoos. Guess they aren’t used to ‘my kind’ ahaha. Little bitty Allie came and spent some time with John and I. She’s absolutely adorable. I love being around children. And seeing John with her. Oh my goodness my heart melted. Seeing a guy you’re in love with playing with little kids is the best thing. I had to eat dinner there. No ifs ands or buts about it. Neither John or Allie were havin it. I hate eating around people unless it’s my family or Tori’s family. Those are about the only exceptions. After a while John and I went up to the bedroom and watched some scary movies because he knows I love them. We watched the collection. Freaked me the fuck out. Then we watched Under the bed. Also scared me. I’ve always been petrified of things being under my bed… Yea. I’m 18 years old and I’m still scared of the monsters under the bed… We put in some other random movie and just lay in bed talking and kissing and cuddling and laughing and doing everything I would ever want to do every single day for the rest of my life. He eventually passed out. I couldn’t fall asleep. It was all just too good to be true. It still feels that way. After I finally fell asleep I woke up right where I wanted to be. In his arms and warm. We just kinda layed in bed for a few hours. Falling back asleep on and off for the morning haha. He eventually got up and we just kind of kicked it in his room. He tied me up >.< haha. He took some fabric pieces he had and tied up my hands and used a belt on my ankles and just kind of smiled at me. Drove me crazy. Some other events took place. No. We did not have sex. We’re both in the same boat on not moving too quickly with things, no matter how badly we want each other. I took a shower and then it was time to hit the road. Broke my heart driving away from that house. The drive home was quiet, and I could see it on John’s face. He was loathing the thought of me leaving just as much. We drove with all of the windows down the whole way home. I loved it. I love him. I loved every second of my time with him.

Sunday was decent after I got home. We did fathers day stuff and whatnot. The night sucked. Gino is going through some shit and he won’t talk to me and it’s ripping me up. Like. I sat there and balled my fucking eyes out and screamed at him that I cared about him for hours on the phone to keep him from killing himself. I was there to keep him stable when he was fucked out of his mind. And he brought up that I wasn’t there when he was on the streets and near death and had nowhere to go this last year… I felt like shit. I told him I lived with a dictator. Did everything he told me to do. Had no choice in the matter. He doesn’t understand. He doesn’t understand how much I care about him. How much he means to me. He’s still my best fucking friend and he doesn’t get it. I don’t want anything to happen to him. He’s cutting again and I’m fucking terrified. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to help. He won’t even let me… I’m just at a loss…

Work today was fine I guess. Miss Jessica was in a bad mood for the morning so that was just dandy. Stayed out of the room as long as I could and as often as I could. I think she caught on after a while because she got a little happier. Set up my next tattoo appointment on my lunch break. Going in on Friday at 2. I’m taking a half day so that I can be there on time for sure. And this Friday is payday, and it’ll have ALL of my overtime on it, so I’m pretty stoked for that.

Hung out with Tori tonight after work. Went in to Andy’s and set up a tattoo appointment for her with me. I’m paying, because I know how much this tattoo means to her, and I know she’d do the same for me. We were talking tonight on the way home, and it just hit hard. Everything she was saying about medication and how she thinks she needs it and whatnot. How she keeps all her rage inside of her. How I do the exact same thing. I hadn’t cried in so fucking long until everything had happened with Jc. And it’s bad, because when I finally do break… I feel like I’m fucking insane. I cry until I get sick, and I can’t breathe, and I fucking SCREAM. My god do I scream… I told her that I know I need help for my depression. Because I do know I do. I know I need something to stabilize me. But I don’t like the thought of having to rely on pills to make me okay…

I don’t know what’s wrong with me lately. Last night I was an emotional mess. I just got way down low out of nowhere. I don’t know what happened. And now? Tonight? I’m thinking about EVERYTHING that I’ve done wrong. EVERYONE that I’ve hurt. How much I’ve fucked John over. How much I ruined. How much I’ve wasted. How stupid I was to think that anyone could love me. How stupid I was to think that I could trust someone that never wanted to be around me. How everything happened with Chris. How everything happened with me. How I’m tainted. Used. Thrown aside. I’m just a ragdoll. That’s all I’m going to be… That’s all I can think. That I’m just a tattered worn out ragdoll that no one wants once they get bored. I don’t know… I’m just ripping myself the fuck apart. I hate when I do this to myself. Because I know how bad it is for me. Because I know what it does to me. I don’t know what to do with myself tonight. I don’t know what to do about anything right now. I just want to walk out the door and walk for hours. Not go into work tomorrow. Not tell a soul where I’m going. Not a damn thing… But I know that I can’t… I’m just done. I’m not good enough. I’m not pretty enough or skinny enough or there enough for anyone… Why can’t I just be good enough?

<p>I think the one thing that made me smile tonight was something Tori said. "I don’t think you need help. I don’t think you need medication. When I look at you and how you were when you and Jc started dating again to now… You smile so much more. You’re so much happier. You laugh so much more. And all you have to do is talk about him and you smile. All I have to do is say John and your whole fucking face lights up. You’re so much better now than you’ve ever been." She’s right. For the most part. I am better, until I’m alone with my thoughts. Demons. Memories. Everything. Tonight is one of those nights where I can feel dirty hands holding me down. Covering my mouth. Telling me not to scream. I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m suffocating… I just want to be okay…

<3CaseyRenee<3