I wanna scream…
This week hasn’t gotten any better. It just keeps getting worse… I can’t handle all of this right now…
Work was horrible. Jessica pissed me off. I’m just done with her. Over it. I want her to fucking leave.
On top of her shit, we went into a hard lock down today because we got news of an escaped convict near our area that was talking about going to different schools or daycares and killing all of the children to make a name for himself. So that was really scary…
On my lunch break, my mom and dad were fighting, and they won’t even look at each other now. My daddy has been drinking since I went back at two thirty. He kept muttering mean things about her under his breath. And mom’s pissed about her bathroom because the floor is all weird since dad had to fix the toilet, and he really did try to make it look better for her. He went out and got bathroom rugs to put down, and when he asked her how it look she just went "hmph." and that was it. And he was like "Well I tried…" And the look on his face. It hurt my heart… I don’t ever want my marriage to be like my mom and dad’s marriage… It hurts me…
Fighting of any kind rips me apart, and there seems to be so much more of that this week than I have been around in a long time. Since Jc and I lived together, and I can’t stop shaking or thinking of the most perfect things.
I don’t even know what to do with myself. John doesn’t either. He hasn’t really talked to me since I refused to tell him what was wrong. I feel like shit. I am a shitty girlfriend. I’m a shitty daughter. I’m a shitty sister…
I took all of the posters off of the walls in Megan’s room so that I can paint it and make it look how I want it to right? And took the concert stuff off of one of her bulletin boards right? She went off on me about how I need to ask and give her a chance to get it. Even though she hasn’t even lived here anymore for like two and a half years. How much fucking time do you need?
I’m just sick of it all. I’m sick of being the odd one out. I’m sick of being ‘the kid’ at work. I’m sick of being pushed around and kicked and spit on. I’m sick of being disrespected. I’m sick of being alone so much. I’m sick of everything. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I don’t know how to handle anything appropriately. I don’t know. I just don’t know…
Friday is my daddy’s birthday, and I have yet to get him a gift. I feel like shit for that. I don’t know what to get him…
Better yet, Jessi’s boyfriend is coming over on Sunday and we’re supposed to meet him, which I’m not sure how I feel about that yet. Mom isn’t ready for it because she doesn’t like how the house looks and this that and the other and I’m just sick of it. I am so stressed out and my depression just keeps getting worse and worse and I’m starting to not want to be around anyone. Like, Tori came over today, and I love having her around, but all I wanted at random moments was to be alone. And then Becca came over and it was like I was suffocating. I don’t know. I really don’t… I’m drowning…
<3CaseyRenee<3