I really fucked it up this time. Didn’t I my dear?

 I honestly can’t even say where my head is at right now.

Do you know how hard it is to look at the single most strong man you have ever met and see worry in everything that he does?

My daddy is my hero. I love him more than anything in this world. He was the only one to cry when I left. The only one that would step foot in my home and help me when I needed someone. He was the one that didn’t hate me when I left. He just held me and said "I love you punkin. Everything will be okay. I will always be here. Please don’t think we’re going to abandon you." And now. Now I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know how to help him. He’s on the verge of breaking, and I don’t think I can handle seeing my daddy break… I want to cry. Cry for him. My mom. For everything I’ve done to them. I feel sick. I just want him to smile again. I love my daddy’s smile. But right now all I can think of is what my mom told me my daddy said… "I’m sorry I’m a poor provider for this family…" Please daddy… You’re the best thing in this house…

Gino… Gino is leaving in less than a week… 7 days until I lose my best friend… 7 days until the kid that kept me from killing myself so many times is gone forever. 7. Fucking. Days. I saw him tonight. Just got home. I’ve been a mess the whole time. He walked up. Gave me a hug. And everything broke. Everything in me. I started crying like a fucking idiot. Hyperventilating. I can’t lose my best friend… He’s going to leave. Forget I ever existed. Be so much better off. That boy is gonna fly. He told me everything would be okay. Called me Case. Asked me to stop crying. Begged me not to be so upset. Wished he could beat himself up for making me cry like this… I don’t know what to do. We walked. We walked and I wasn’t even there. I was gone. All of me. My head. My heart. I was a zombie. Dragging my feet along with no intention of getting anywhere… And now. Now I’m home. Sitting in my bed. Numb.

Numb because I can’t do enough for this family. Numb because seeing worry and hopelessness in my daddy’s eyes is the most painful sight. Numb because I’m losing my best friend. Numb because I can’t stop it from happening. Numb because I don’t have John here to pick me up. To dust me off. To hold me and kiss me and tell me he loves me. Just numb. And I’m aching just to feel. To feel something. To see some sign that I’m still alive. That I can still feel…

"In seven days Case, I’m leaving. I’m leaving at three in the morning and I won’t be back. You have to promise me something Caseyface. You have to promise me that when I’m gone in seven days, that you’re going to stay strong. You HAVE to be strong. Promise me Case."

I never promised… I can’t promise… I can’t promise anything right now.

<3CaseyRenee<3