I know that you’re there so don’t be sad…

So this weekend isn’t going how I had planned. But it’s not all bad.

Last night was hard. I was alone. Trying not to break down. My sisters ex boyfriend Joe told me to come visit him at work to get my mind off of shit. We hung out for a little bit after he got off of work and Ollie and his friend came over and we all just hung out in Joe’s room while Ollie played some of his originals. I love listening to people play acoustic. It fucking amazes me. I went home around 1 in the morning.

Spent some time in my room. Listened to music. Thought about a lot of shit. Life. Death. Love. Heartache. The future. The past. Right now. My family. My friends. Everything.

Jake and I started talking again. It’s so weird. He’s changed so much. He’s not a dick like he used to be. He’s a sincere friend, and it’s nice to have some of those. He knows me like the back of his hand, seeing as we’ve known each other for about 7 years now. He knew that I was down and told me to get my shit together and be ready to go for a cruise. He came over around 3 in the morning to pick me up. We drove all over the fucking place. Must have driven everywhere in town at least 50 times, and went out in the country. We just drove, listening to music too loud and talking about everything. He asked me about Gino. And my dad. About work. About John. And Jc. We talked about everything that’s been going on. He told me that he’s proud of how far I’ve come and how I’ve changed. That he knew I had it in me. Tell me then why I cut two weeks ago? No. About three now. I haven’t changed. That’s always gonna be the one thing I run to when I have nowhere else to go. Got to my house around like… 7 or 8 in the morning and just sat in the car listening to music for a few hours. Honestly, it was really nice to be able to just have someone pick me up at the crack of dawn just to keep my mind off of everything.

I didn’t fall asleep this morning until like 11:30. When I came in I took a shower and just let the hot water run over me.

I fucking miss John. I swear I’m going to die this weekend without him… He’s got shit to do all weekend, so I don’t get to see him, and I don’t know what the hell to do with myself. All I want is to see him and kiss him and lose myself in him like I have been the past few weeks. He’s all I want. The one person other than Tori that I want to be around this much. He’s just as lost as I am right now. He and I are like the same person. At least that’s what I feel. We are so alike when it comes to our emotions and selflessness when it comes to helping other people. Like, my dad told my mom that we’re going to move to Colorado or Arizona once he gets fired. Don’t know if I mentioned that. But I told my mom straight up that I wouldn’t be going with and she told me I didn’t have to because she wants me to live my life. Because I have a life and a future here. She wants me to live it. I told John, and he was upset… Worried. I could tell. But I told him I would either get an apartment or keep the house for as long as I could. He said he would do as much as he could to help me keep the house… I would NEVER ask him to do that or want him to feel obligated to, but he told me "It’s something that means a lot to you. If it means that much to you, then it means that much to me. I WANT to help. You never asked me to. That’s just the person that I am. I’d do anything for you." I don’t know how anyone can possibly be so perfect without havin a pair of wings up in heaven. I love him so much. And every little thing about him. I don’t know what I’m going to do for this whole weekend, and I don’t even know if I’ll get to see him next weekend. It’s ripping me apart. I need my safe place so badly…

I’m getting sick on top of all of this. My throat is all fucked up and my head feels like I drank VERY heavily last night. It sucks.

Gino leaves in two days… Two more days. He told me today that he took my parting gifts to Joe’s house, and that he’ll let me know when I can go pick them up. He’s asked me not to read my letter until he is gone though, which is going to kill. But it’s his wish, and I am going to respect that for him… I just don’t know what I’m going to do. I don’t think it’s legitimately registered yet that he’s really going to be gone this time. I know that once the truth sets in I am going to be a disaster… And I know that I’m going to destroy everything in my path… Let’s just hope that John can take it all. Because I know he and Tori are going to be the only two that are going to have to deal with me and my depression after G is gone. I just don’t know.

Slept until 4:30 in the afternoon. Now I’m up, makeup and hair done, trying to figure out what I want to do with my day. I was asked to go drink with some people tonight, but I’m not sure if that’s the best thing for me at this moment in time. Then again…

I’m not sure that I give a fuck.

<3CaseyRenee<3