Been a while huh?

So I know that it’s been a while… But I just haven’t been able to sort my thoughts out enough to make sense of them. I still haven’t, so this entry will be mostly word vomit, so bear with me please.

Let’s start with Friday.

Friday night John was supposed to come over and spend the weekend at Tori’s house with us. Turns out that he had to help Tina with some shit the next day so he couldn’t. So Tori and I just hung out and made 200 jello shots at like midnight. Wanted to be prepared for the party Saturday night.

Saturday morning, Tori and I woke up to go to Megan’s house. She got me a tubing pass for my birthday, which was awesome. I was so fucking excited. While we were at Megan’s house Anitra (John’s mommy) messaged me on facebook asking if I had talked to John yet today. I told her I hadn’t and asked why she was wondering. She told me that he probably wasn’t going to make it to my birthday party because he got arrested Friday night. I broke. Every ounce of me broke. I threw up. I couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t stop shaking. I didn’t know what the fuck happened. She told me the details. Talked to Tina about it. Told her I was going to pay for him to be bonded out. She told me it was 270, and I had that on me so I had no problem in offering it up. Tori and I went tubing. I was having a good time for the most part, though the news was still lodged in my head. Plus, while we were tubing I went over a rock that was like a million feet long I swear. It pulled down my bottoms and scraped the fuck out of my buttcheek. So that was fun. We stopped at the train bridge over the river and a bunch of the guys decided they were going to climb up and jump off into the water. Well, they chose not to because Tyler cut his foot and they were all coming down just fine until it was Tyler’s turn. He fell. From like 20 feet up. Straight down onto his ribs on a rocky slope and rag dolled the entire way down the hill until he was in the water. It was so fucking scary. He went to the hospital after. Has four broken ribs. I was shaking for a while after that. All I could do as I watched it happen was scream… 

Saturday night Tina told me to come pick up John and give her the money. He knew I was pissed at him for what happened, so he didn’t stay in the same room long. Silent car ride home.

Tori’s mom blew up on us for taking the car all the way to Rochelle when we didn’t ask. So her and her mom fought the entire way home. We actually all got kicked out of the car at one point, but she came back and took us home. Didn’t get to have a real party. It was just Tori, John and myself. As soon as I walked in the door I went straight to the fridge in the garage for some jello shots. I had 13 in me in under five minutes. I was just done… The night slowly got better. John hugged me and kissed me and told me he was so sorry. Said thank you for bailing him out. Told me he would pay me back. Tori went to bed early because she felt like crap, so John and I sat out in the garage eating jello shot after jello shot. We had over 100 between the two of us that night… We went to bed shorty after.

The next morning was amazing… I will not go into detail, and we didn’t have sex, but I didn’t know that my body could ever shake that much…

After we took John home Tori and I drove back to my house and she dropped me off. Left me feeling empty all over again…

Monday night I got to spend time with Michelle. She was my best friend during my Junior year, and she just moved back home. I’ve missed her so much. We went to Matt’s house and sat out around a fire. That is of course until this horrible storm blew in and it started this torrential downpour haha. We all ran into the basement and hung out for a while. Michelle eventually stole me away and took me to the garage with her to hang out with Matt, Shawn, James, and Joey. Shawn had his acoustic, and we all just sat in the garage listening to him and singing along to any song we knew. It was so much fun. At around one in the morning I realized that I needed to get home. I giggled and Shawn told me I had an intoxicating laugh. Honestly made my night. Seeing as I’ve been told countless times that I have an ugly laugh haha.

Came home and all the power was out. I didn’t fall asleep until past two in the morning. I am that terrified of the dark. I had candles lit in my room and I didn’t want to blow them out…

Woke up and went to work this morning. Everything was going fine until my mom came in near tears and told me the news. My daddy has no job. They let him go. I broke. Every bit of me broke and I started balling and had to leave the room. June yelled at me for leaving because we were out of ratio WHILE I WAS IN THE BATHROOM BREAKING DOWN. She’s a fucking cunt. The rest of the day sucked. Slow. Painful. Nothing I wanted to deal with…

Tonight I cleaned up my room. Got my dresser in here so I can finally put my clothes in something other than big plastic bins. I have a fucking floor now haha. Hung out with Jacob tonight because I had to get out of the house. We picked up Zack then went back to his house. He fucked up and told me that I was being just like his baby mama, who he is constantly calling a bitch and talking shit about, so I walked off. Came back after a while and we hung out in his house. He took me home around 11:30.

Now here I am. Sitting in my bed. Praying to god that in three weeks when John goes to court, he doesn’t get put in jail or prison…

This week is going to suck. I have to do my mom’s job. She’s on vacation…

This weekend isn’t going to be too dandy either. Brett’s throwing a party and I was all stoked and was going to have just John and Tori over, but Tori is leaving for like a week and John has work Thursday till Sunday. So that shit on my day. Told me right after my mom told me my daddy lost his job. That’s why I lost it…

I just don’t even care anymore. I’m trying so hard to be strong for John, because I know that he is so far from strong it’s not even funny… But nothing I say or do will help him. Nothing is going to ease his reeling head. It’s not doing a damn thing for mine either. I just don’t know. I’m on the verge of breaking down. Too much is coming at me all at once and I can’t take many more hits before I fall back down the rabbit hole and say hello to my wonderland…

<3CaseyRenee<3