A beautiful letdown. It’s what I’ll forever be…

 I can’t do this… I can’t breathe… I don’t want you to tell me I’ll be alright daddy. You don’t fucking get it. You don’t fucking understand.

I’m naked. I’m bare. I’m breaking where I stand. I can’t breathe. I’m fighting the vomit rising up in my throat. But I can’t stop the tears. Oh god I can’t stop them. They keep coming. Waterfalls of pain and running mascara. Why. Why do you have to leave. Why do you have to make me say goodbye. Goodbyes are the hardest thing for me to handle. 

Fireworks. Balls of fire blow up in the sky. I feel okay. I feel like I can handle anything. Until I see you. Until you give me your parting gifts. Until I walk away and you follow me. Walk me home to make sure I get there safely. We stand in front of my house. You pull me close and hug me. Time stops. Pain rises. Realization sets in. This IS… The last time I will ever see you again. You tell me it will all be okay. That I’m going to be okay. That I need to be strong… I break. I try so hard to fight it, but I just can’t. Not for a single second more. Tears start to stream down my face. I know you feel them against your skin. You squeeze a little tighter. Shake a little more. This kills you too… You tell me you don’t want to leave. That you feel bad for going… I just want my best friend to smile again. I just want you to be happy… And if this is what it takes? Well then I’ll take all the pain that comes with it, so long as you smile… I shake. I break. I cry. I fight the vomit. We must have stood there forever. My voice shakes. As I tell you "I’m going to let you go now…" A simple sentence with so many meanings in it… I’m going to stop clinging to you hoping you won’t leave. I’m going to let you leave. I’m going to let go of everything… You pull away. I take one last look at your face. You kiss my forehead. No intention behind it but to try letting me know it’ll be alright. I force a small smile, turn away. I watch you walk away. I stand there and watch you leave me. Leave me alone. I get as far as my back porch steps before everything hits me.

The memories. The pain. The tears. The way we went cut for cut. The way we would laugh. The way we would cry. The way we would always be there for each other, no matter what the other had done to hurt us. Our games of pretend. The monsters scream. Knock me off of my feet. I collapse on the stairs. More and more tears come. I stand quickly. Run into the bathroom. The vomit rising in my throat won. Everything is out of my system. Everything. Sweat covers my face. Tears mixing with it. I can barely stand. My legs shake. I go to my bedroom. Collapse on my bed.

Inside the pocket of your sweater I feel it. My letter is there. Your guitar pick is there. I pull them out, and scrawled in your handwriting the words Stay Strong are there in permanent marker on your pick. On the other, Gin with a heart. I break even more. How can I be strong. Don’t you see me breaking? Haven’t you seen it enough to know that strong isn’t an option?

I told you I would wait. That I wouldn’t read the letter until you were long gone. But I can’t stop myself. I need to know. One paragraph hits me the hardest. "I love you. Always have, always will. Now it’s time to say goodbye. So let’s play pretend. Our favorite game. This will be our longest game yet. Pretend I am here. When things get hard, remember we are the pretenders. Pretend your knight rides his horse to pull you from evils grasp. Pretend I’m on vacation. But remember I am a whistle away. Always a whistle away."

I lose it. I turn into a sniveling mess, and nothing can stop me now. Everything falls. Everything breaks. Every wall, every barrier, every charade. It’s all gone. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to fucking do! I wanna leave. I want to leave and just be gone for a while. A week. Two. Three. I just want to be gone. I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this… Oh here we go again. Crying. Fucking great. I have to go. since I can’t cut, I’ll settle for alcohol. I need alcohol.

<3CaseyRenee<3