So this is 40…

I’m 40 and I don’t feel 40. I definitely do not feel 40 in the way that I thought of 40 as a kid.

Perspective is so relative.

I sit in this world never with enough time. I’m working on my master’s. I finally accomplished my dream as a kid. I completed my bachelor’s and was summa cum laude. Now I have a master’s certificate under my belt in less than a year after receiving my bachelor’s. I absolutely love learning and wish I could go to school forever. However, I am acutely aware of the time I do not get to spend with my girls because of school. Especially now that I also have a full-time job. I finally have a job that has amazing work-life balance. However, much like every other job, because I am reliable, I am always the person voluntold extra responsibilities. My job is the perpetuation of school projects where one person works but everyone gets credit; except I get paid to do it. Yet, getting paid for it doesn’t actually make it any less frustrating. See money does not always make something that was frustrating less but it makes complaining about it feel more like I should not be complaining. I get recognized for all the extra work I do but now I’m literally filling two roles with just myself and only getting paid for one of those positions. Yay, work. But I can take off whenever I want and have pretty much complete control over my schedule so there’s that and that is amazing.

With all of this going on, we are again looking to relocate. Things are such a dichotomy. Living in the middle of a tinderbox (thank you Tinder for making that sound wildly more inappropriate than it really is) on two fronts is exhausting. The wildfires are the worst because my oldest daughter has asthma, and both girls have had to deal with pneumonia. So that alone means we cannot stay here. We have to move her somewhere with less of that. But it’s also exhausting as fuck living in a place where if you’re not extreme left or extreme right then you’re just wrong. And it’s crazy for me because most would consider me far left.

All of this creates a life where everyone is so obsessed with being labeled and if you have two labels then you’re not committed to one or the other and of course one group will refuse your existence if you are a, f, and r and not only a, or only f, or only r. Making friends is like walking through a landmine and at any point the stabbing in the back just happens. It’s almost as though it’s the past time of some people.

The worst part of it is seeing how it manifests in children. We’re dealing with this with my youngest. She decided she wanted to play soccer but because she’s the new girl and she marches to the beat of her own drum the girls treat her like garbage. It’s her first year and they bully her for not being better. They have told her they outright hate her. They have refused to acknowledge her existence in team-bonding activities, and during their first scrimmages she was asked to play goalie. She had never played goalie and between games 1 and 2 the girls told her maybe it was a mistake letting her be goalie because she sucks. She took it in stride and practiced between games and games 2, 3, and 4 she was 100 times better. But because she stands up for herself and doesn’t just take being bullied the club is threatening to kick her out. Not a single girl who has told her that they hate her and wish she wasn’t on the team has been talked to regarding bullying but her talking during practice or standing up for herself is not creating an environment of positivity.

So we got a nastygram email that basically ripped my daughter apart and said after one time of being talked to about respect that they are not going to give her the outlined disciplinary plan, they’re just giving her one warning to change to perfected behavior or she’s gone. It was supposed to be 1st time, player sits out training or game, coach talks to parents, 2nd time, player sits out and there’s an email that cc’s the director of the club, and 3rd time there the player sits out and there’s an email with the director cc’d and a discussion about whether the player is a good fit or should just go. They did not do that at all with her.

It’s cookie cutter perfection or you go.

Does she have room for improvement, absolutely but if her being bullied is ignored then where do they expect positive change to come from. Welcome new players and they’ll probably not run into these problems.

I’m just so ready to leave. I want to live somewhere that isn’t detrimental to their health, where maybe people give chances and welcome people, and closer to family.

My baby brother had his first kid last year and I have yet to get to meet him. I love him beyond words and I want so much to get to know him and I just can’t do that from here. And the girls have asked if we can live where we can visit him more and where we can do holidays with a big family and have bbq’s as a big family and have big family vacations.

They feel the isolation here also.

I hate that they feel this way because they are such amazing people.

Life as a parent can pull you in half a dozen directions and your heart in a million more.