In a perfect world

In a perfect world, I probably wouldn’t be here because I’m far from perfect.

Each time I write I realize just how much I missed this place those four years.

Last night I had a really sad realization…I could stop taking all of the medications that I need and slowly slip away and it’s unlikely that anyone would notice. I even asked him “do you ever check to see if my meds are low?” “do you ever check to see if my appointments are able to be met?” after I pointed out that I refill all of his medications, I schedule all of his appointments, I make for sure he remembers those appointments, I make his lunches for the week, I make his breakfasts, I clean his clothes, I do EVERY single thing other than his job at work and his schoolwork. EVERY. SINGLE. THING.

And I feel like I’m part of the background.

He admitted that for me he does none of what I do for him.

Part of me longs for the day that I finally have a job and he realizes how much I do and how I could do it all on my own. I would hope then things would change and I wouldn’t feel so forgotten about or taken advantage of but sadly I’m not sure it really would change anything. In 2015 I came close to dying twice when I was having to have emergency surgeries….you’d have thought the idea of me being dead would have added some shock and change, but it didn’t.

Well as it is, I shouldn’t only write about what hurts but I’ve been holding in a lot for four years so maybe soon it’ll all be better and different.

I’d write more but I must go get my Peanut from pre-school and pick up a Fundraiser order for the fundraiser I am running for her other pre-school.

Life goes on….