Different, Not Less!

I wish I understand people better. I wish I understood myself better. I tie my identity up in so many others rather than myself. I am rather aware that this is due to the fact that I, from a very early age, sough validation from my family. When you feel inadequate or you feel that others do not value you in their life you begin to question if you’re just making things up and you begin to seek validation from those people that it is indeed not all in your head.

Rejection is a very difficult thing to process as a young child. It is honestly one of the earliest memories I have as a child.

Now as an adult I constantly feel being rejected is my normal.

But let’s see if I can find the beauty in things I have had going on besides my inability to avoid feeling rejected by so many people.

Saturday night the girls went to a Parent’s Night Out event at their gymnastics studio. We took that time to go to a Ramen place we’ve been really wanting to go to but never had the chance because we knew the girls just wouldn’t enjoy a place like that. He really made a lot of efforts that he’s never done in the past. He went out of his way to open doors for me. Not that I expect that he should but one constant in our relationship is that he’s never been a person to do small gestures. I mean hell when I would complain that a card or letter every now and then he’d get me a card but never sign them or anything. Just bought a card and handed it to me. So the thought of opening the door was a nice change. We spent time talking and just enjoying time together. We went and had nitrogen ice cream (is that what it’s called?) and that was awesome. Creamiest ice cream I’ve ever had. Made our way to the Lego store, Barnes & Noble, and Gamestop….we got to peruse all of the places that we love without the constant interruptions of children.

I hate to say things that look negative on our girls but it was so nice that they weren’t there fighting with each other, touching stuff, or just being kids. I think we all need a break from chaos from time to time and children bring about so much chaos.

We are still waiting to hear about our ability to move back to Portland. Someone called him today from HR and we’re hoping that’s a positive sign. They were calling to get more information about his Supervisor. I keep feeling like it’s taking so long that I’m already looking for places here that we can move to when our lease is up and we can get out of our awful apartment. I just don’t want to start planning to leave and then get the wind knocked out of me as I’ve had done so many times in the past. But part of me is starting to feel that we will be back in Portland soon.

Oh, and I forgot to update about Caroline. She qualified for the preschool that was evaluating her. She was below the standard deviation by over 2 in two areas and one they what your score to be between 30 and 50 and hers was an 88. 🙁 I knew she’s got some issues that need dealing with but I never quite realized they were that bad. All of those who evaluated her stated that she’s exceptionally bright and as far as intellect goes she’s likely quite gifted but there are just other issues related to her emotions, behavior, and ability to function in certain situations that needs a lot of help. So she’s officially labeled as Special Education. But I know that is jut a label and it is just there to provide her with the assistance she needs. She’s 5 and latches onto the concept of labels a lot and I just hope to avoid her seeing herself as broken or as less…..as said in the movie Temple Grandin, Different, Not Less!

Today was her first day and she was so beyond excited to go. She’s been in that preschool many times for evaluations and has seen all of the things that they provide for the students and she was so ready to be accepted there. I have to go pick her up in about an hour and I’m just as eager as she is to see how her first day went.

Well Caitlin and I are at the library to get schoolwork done so I should probably do some more of that before we leave.